Comrade?

I’m looking to reconnect with a friend.

I couldn’t work out how to log into my old account Pirate Captain, but I sometimes wonder how those people that I would exchange comments with, how they’re doing now – I mean this was like 10 plus years ago.

They don’t seem to have accounts currently on here that are being contributed to or online and I probably won’t stick around here myself for very long but Comrade (James?), if you’re out there shout me.

I guess since you’re here, whoever you are, a lot has happened in the last 12 or so years.

When I last wrote, I had moved to the Southwest of the UK and I was living with my boyfriend at the time who, 6 years ago became my fiance, 3 years ago became my husband and, as of this year, I separated with.

We have a little one together, they’re starting school this year and is absolute perfection.

Three months ago I was having a conversation with a colleague after a stressful day at work, a slightly older male colleague who I’ve been crushing on for the last 4 years. It came to like that he liked me, a lot.

Some context, I have been miserable in my marriage. Really, we should never have gotten married. I love the man I married but I love him as a friend. Our marriage wasn’t what I hoped it would be, what I wanted it to be. I’ve been grieving that dream for a couple of years, so guess that’s sort of why my heart was open to others.

Anyway, as soon as I had this conversation with my colleague I knew that it was something that I wanted to pursue. I spoke to my sister for advice and two days later I had a conversation with my now ex. We decided initially that we were going to try just having a slightly open marriage and although we discussed it before (and that would have just been about sex), this was emotional, which is obviously different but both seemed open to it – My colleague less so but willing to have me however he could and I think it just didn’t occur to my ex at all that I might decide to leave.

I gave it 2 weeks. I realised this wasn’t what I wanted, it wasn’t fair on either party and I reflected on what was stopping me from moving on from this failed marriage. So I did what I had to do, and I told my ex that I wanted to move on.

There was a real outburst of feeling on his part which surprised me because I didn’t really think he had any feelings for me, other than friendship. One of the things he said was, “you’re my everything”, and the more I thought about that, the more I think it’s not so much me but the life that we built together. That I built for us with my drive and my ambition – and I hate to say it but – my finances.

I always wanted him to be happy and I would have been happy continuing as we were, if there was some kind of romance, affection or intimacy and there was just nothing. The balance of housework and the mental load was so uneven. I wasn’t being heard. It wasn’t going to change and I didn’t want to live the rest of my life without intimacy or consideration or appreciation, I, you know, a real loving relationship?

So we are cohabiting, co-parenting and so far so good. He doesn’t really have seem that fussed by anything to be honest, even though my boyfriend/partner has you know been staying over and stuff.

I really don’t think my ex gives a shit and god knows I check in with him. I open that space. I’m really mindful and I try so hard and it’s been a real struggle to try and think of literally everyone’s fucking feelings but anyway here we are.

We will eventually move out and live separately. It’s a bit of a challenge house-wise but the little one comes first. They are my priority and so consistency and stability in all possible ways will be the way forward.

That’s a bit of an update really again, Comrade, I would love to reconnect.

Also, to those of you who read through this ramble thanks for your time and for sticking with me the whole way through! X