I don’t change

Felt really rubbish this afternoon and technically I’m still working.

I’m not going to go tons into it but but you know when you’re like what like? What am I doing?

I don’t regret making the decision to end my marriage at all. It was definitely the right thing to do and I don’t regret being open with my boss and my work about starting relationship with my colleague because that was the right thing to do.

However… I don’t know whether this is right for me. I don’t know if he’s right for me. I like him a lot like I really really like him but I feel like the novelty of me has worn off so quickly. It’s been 3 months. The number of messages has like dropped so so much. The intimacy isn’t one-sided, but it definitely feels like the enthusiasm and the novelty of that is this has worn off as well. I feel like it’s just so soon for things to slow down and maybe I was just not a good person in this life or the previous one and I don’t deserve happiness or something.

You know you really try and push away the crippling self-doubt (crippling’s a bit of an exaggeration but ‘m feeling dramatic).

One of the things that keeps popping into my brain is like, for that like first month and a half – 2 months or so, he was like I would drop everything to see you and obviously he can’t drop everything. He’s got two kids who are in their teens and and co-parenting and that shit but first I was like. Wow, that’s really special, then you realise that really, no, he really wouldn’t.

That’s my tearful rant of the afternoon. So enjoy that entry.