There are some things that you can’t say on FB

 I’m not going to spend this time apologizing for how awful I am at writing. I’m not going to spend this time telling you about everything that is going on in my life. In short, many of you that I really care for already know: you’re already friends with me on facebook and nowadays I feel like I share much of what is going on in my day-to-day life there. There is a lot of internal stuff that is left out, much of which I share with my closest friends and my siblings, but I do feel as though a part of me is missing by not writing here. 

Maybe facebook is why I’ve fallen off from writing here. There are still more than a few of you that I think about all the time that are NOT friends of mine on facebook. Maybe, concerning how little I write here, I should get your information? I miss knowing what is happening in your lives, and I miss hearing your perspectives about what is happening in mine. 

It’s a very powerful thing to have access to peoples opinions, thoughts, and pasts. I feel like I owe much of what I’ve become in my adulthood to some of you. This might sound weird (especially because the feelings may not be totally reciprocated), but I honestly feel for some of you like I do some of my oldest friends. I have grown attached to and love you guys, and I do miss you.

I’m here to write about another of my friends… one who I’ve written about quite a bit over the years. Chloe!

Without looking back much over the last year, I know that I’ve left out quite a few things that have happened. I’m going to attempt to quickly cover what I’ve missed right here:

1. Chloe divorced Jeremy, the father of her children Julian and (my godchild) Alexa, because he’d cheated on her.
2. Jeremy got one of the women that he was cheating with pregnant. This didn’t come out until well after they’d separated. With that said, based on the timing of things and the conversations that Chloe has had with him since discovering his lies, this has been going on since approximately the fall of 2011.
3. Their divorce is not final, but we’re all hoping that it will be wrapped up soon. Because Jeremy has another baby coming, it was rather easy for Chloe to let go and move on. She officially separated from Jeremy in 2012 of April and was dating Leonard, a really lovely guy with two equally young children, starting in June. 
4. Leonard’s only hang-up was his ex (who he had his children with). She has a lot of issues herself (zero family life to reflect on or shape her children’s lives on, mainly), but because Leonard had a really awful, awful childhood involving a single mother himself [he was literally sold for sex for crack on a couple of occasions], he could not separate his past from what might happen to his children if he were to separate completely from his ex [he feels like keeping his nuclear family together will prevent his history from re-creating itself in his children’s lives. It is so, so sad.]).

So… knowing all of this… you have a good base for what is about to come.

Leonard left Chloe a couple of weeks ago to try to repair things with his ex. He felt like that was the right thing to do because he, "Needed to keep his family together".

Chloe struggled with his loss, mostly because in the previous six months, her children (now 3 and 2) had come to refer to him as, "da-da" and clearly struggled with the fact that he’d left.

I spent NYE with Chloe (long story short, Andrew [who I was supposed to spend the holiday with] cancelled on me because he again realized that he didn’t have feelings for me and wanted to cut things short before i got too involved [between you and I, I knew that this would come and was prepared for this. I’m actually okay with it, I think]). Chloe and I talked in great detail about our lives and everything else, including pregnancy (specifically about how terrified I am of never having a baby of my own, which I’ve written about here).

….

When she sent me a text message yesterday, I had no idea what was coming. Her exact message read, "What do you have going on tonight? Want to come over? I have some things I need to talk to you about."

I figured that Leonard had dumped her again. I was wrong.

She’s pregnant. 

What a fucking joke, right?! What in the fucking fuck?! Life sure has a way of throwing shit in  your face, doesn’t it?!?

… that’s what I kept saying to her after she told me. I didn’t know what else to say about it. 

So… you get a divorce because a guy who you trusted… who we ALL trusted… cheats on you. Okay, that’s somewhat normal for whatever reason. That happens all of the time, it seems. But then… THEN…. he gets his new girlfriend is pregnant. That only happens on the Maury Povich show… right?! Okay, nope, you accept it for fact and move on. We accept it for fact and move on. What choice do we have, right?

But  it gets worse! The guy that you’re seeing for six months after you leave your dead-beat husband – a guy who had been through the same emotional tornado as you (having had his ex of 6 years cheat on and leave him)… who called your children his own and said that you were his future and made you believe that you were who he was going to spend the rest of his life with… leaves you?!  He LEFT her. For his ex. He’s getting back together with his ex. 

We all know that this isn’t going to work out long term. He’s going to find himself wandering back to the stability of his life with Chloe. His ex has no stability in her life (and again, I recognize that it’s not totally her fault. That doesn’t take away from the fact that lack of stability sucks, and is uncomfortable. Most people try to avoid being uncomfortable.)

Are you fucking kidding me?!?! 

This is such a fucking nightmare, you guys!

Currently, as it stands, her mom is in town until Friday. Her mom does not necessarily support her in having an abortion, but does ultimately love and wants to protect her only daughter – she will be there no matter what. 

I’ve sent Chloe everything that she could possibly need in terms of information – I’ve sent her prices, places to go, how her lack of insurance will be handled no matter where she goes, have told her that – no matter what the cost- I’m willing and able to front the whole and total cost of her procedure if she needs help because money is just money and, I feel, should be absolutely ZERO percent of her decision on whether or not to continue with this pregnancy. 

You guys, this is just a nightmare. I feel so deeply for my friend. I know NOBODY who has had an elective abortion after having a series of unwanted miscarriages and two children that she tried very hard to conceive. NOBODY. I have no idea what to say to her to ease her decision in this. NONE. and it KILLS me. This is such a torcherous decision for her- one that I feel is going to haunt her for her entire life because she’s so torn up by the simple IDEA of having an abortion. This has been an absolutely agonizing decision for her, but at the present time, as far as we both can tell, it is the only logical decision that she has. I’ve been very careful about what I’ve said around her because I don’t want to sway her decision at all (beca

use this is a VERY heavy decision and it’s NOT even remotely my decision to make).

… My sister just got home and I’m talking to her about what happened. Rather than finish this, I’m going ot speak with her. I’ll finish this tomorrow.