screw it!

Ok, last week the school had it’s glory in making me up. The hair was all my idea, i love my hair, that i won’t change, but the makeup that i spent three days doing again, is too much work. I can’t stand it! it’s darker then i’m used to and I thought I could go with it, but I can’t. They said i looked all sexy in school, but they and noone else told me i look like a whore. that’s a nice thing to find out when you’re listening in on a phone call that you probably shouldn’t have anyways. I’m tired of this bs! so now, the next month, i won’t see him. he’s not going to be “avoiding” melissa, he’s going to be avoiding me! so the unreturned phone calls, ignored emails, all the stuff… whatever, my effert is done, gone, i don’t care. why should i? there’s this big part of me that wants to die, wants to go find sleeping pills and mix up a few shots of vodka and tonic, get waisted, take some pills and go to sleep until life is done and over. But sadly, I can’t do that. I feel bad because i even get that thought. I do everything for someone else. There hasn’t been anything in a long time i’ve done for me.

Going to the Ranch, I wanted to get out of the house, but i just sat there, didn’t do a damn thing. Ok so Keith was for me! but i brought krystal back stage with me, so meeting him wasn’t for me i guess. i don’t go to malls, the makeup thing was for someone else, and then people said i looked good and lied to my face. Thanks! the one thing i’ve done for me, has taken me three weeks, but i lost about 12 pounds! starving myself i guess. but if i keep it up, one day i might end up back where i want to be! Yippy! too bad it’s taking so dang long. i mean it, a really big part of me just wants to die. not come back.

it hurts, but i don’t want to care about him, i want to stop wanting to see him. i want to stop thinking i can’t live without him. but that’s not going to happen anytime soon. what am i supposed to do? i can’t cry, i’m not ok with it. tears fall sometimes, but i don’t ever really let loose like I want to. i don’t know… maybe i should give everything up. I’m trying to look forward to something else. I’m trying to finish school so I can go move out of this place. into another part of the state. to a bigger place, bring my best friend with me, she needs to get out of here! we have to leave! I don’t know… what am i supposed to do now? why can’t i… let go?

like maybe i should try something drastic. maybe i should try to end my life, quit everything i’ve been working for. no one notices me here. it’s a big disappointment that i had today off from school. I guess they’ll be happy tomorrow when i’m gone all day. looks like I don’t have to be around til sunday! good for me! i hate this place and everyone here. i’m to the point i almost can say i hate my children. What the fuck is wrong with me? I love them but i don’t want them. I don’t want my parents, my friends, anything! I want to give everything to anyone who will take it and just go somewhere. start new. clean! Learn who I am! and not have to worry about people i thought i could trust to tell me the truth, going behind my back and saying i look like a whore, i’m a stawlker. thanks! i’m nothing but a freak. i hate life! i hate my life, i hate my family, and i wish i could die and get it all over with.

Yeah i know, Life freaking sucks! I should deal! Or just hurry up and kill myself. It might make more people happy rather then upset that i went. Heck! why not? who would really miss me? My kids, they’ll forget after about 30 years after they finally get councling from finding their mother dead in her own bed. You’re supposed to love life, not dread it. Not hope the sun blows up and everyone dies at that exact instant. I don’t want a painful or long death, something fast. something i won’t feel, something no one can stop. Maybe i’ll go get a gun and shoot myself in the head. that might get it done, but watch, i’ll get all set and chicken out. I can’t kill myself, my children won’t have anyone. But then maybe noone is better then me. I try to hold it in and wait until they’re not around to let my feelings go. I do a good job at it. everyone around here thinks i’m fine. no one sees it. no one notices.

i’ll keep trying, i’ll keep holding in all the bad stuff, and one day, i’ll discover what I enjoy doing. I just hope it’s not too late by then to figure it all out.