3/20/07

If everyone has it in them to be happy, why do so many of us stay sad for so long? What makes people think that it’s OK? Forget the calls, or emails, For get that we had plans to hang out. Pick that person over who you said was your “best friend” then here we are, Tears… what makes people so sad about these things? Are we supposed to be happy all of the time? is it OK to want someting you know you might never get? Is it fine for us to be lost most of the time wondering where we want to go? I know ups and downs are just a part of life, but What is it that makes life stink so much? I only wish i could understand the whole bunch of everything. I make no sense, but I guess that’s the point. I’m not saying I know or understand life or the way it is. Just I feel like writing this nonsense, for that very reason. It’s nonsense. Endless questions with no real answer. and No real question to start with. Why would I bother writing, being condfused? Why would I take the time to put these thoughts when None of it makes any sense. It amazes me more and more, The less I write, the more people are commenting on me. My thoughts don’t make sense… This entry doesn’t make sense… and Nothing in my head does either. Why do I keep trying to make anything out of nothing? Guys, friends, family, school, work, interviews, Nice people! What is all of this? What makes me feel so…. I don’t know… I wonder… Why me? why Today?

What is it that made these thoughts enter my head?

I was laying on my couch watching a movie, and got an urge to come on here to do this… What the heck? Why? I hate this feeling, Tomorrow I’ll go through the same little morning mess I always go through and these thoughts will be gone. Do I always have to go through it? why me? So… Everything I do, I come back to these thoughts of loneliness. But you see, no matter how alone I feel, I still don’t Need a guy. Just a friend to talk to. I get in this mood and see, Wow, everyone I trust, is working now, Everyone I trust, Can’t be trusted. Only a few people have been there for me, and only one of them I feel I can say almost anything to. There is another person who, I could tell the missing pieces to. Yes, I am alone, Yes i do sit by myself. And you know… even if I have to spend forever alone, I refuse to settle. I will not settle for a scum job for too long, I will not settle for a man who isn’t all I want. And I won’t settle for being what I feel like when I get in these moods.

One day I won’t be here. One day it’ll be like a bad dream playing in my head. Today, it doesn’t seem real, Maybe it isn’t. Maybe I was right to say there is more to what I am just today alone. I have happy children, and a home where I can say it’s pretty safe. A dog who keeps out the bad guys, Most days. And Family close by. Though I have nothing to my name, no job, and a bright future, do I have to remain here in thoughts of what I’m not, just so I can figure out my future? I know, life happens when you’re busy making plans, but I’m spending more time living then making plans Right now. Is that Bad? Naw, Soon enough both of my kids will be in school Full time and I’ll work like crazy while they are. I will find a way to make this work. soon enough.

Soon… how far is soon? why do people who mean basicly nothing to me keep trying to make Me feel better? They think I might beable to help them in the long run? Did I miss something. I know most of the time when someone doesn’t talk to me then all of a sudden is talking with me about sex, Then stops again, It’s only because I was the “rebound” or “delay” girl. I’m tired of THAT!

HE might or might not read this and if he does, Tough, if not, GOOD. and You know… I’m just tired of it all. I’m tired of all the “dating” and hoping and thinking “mr. perfect” is out there. My guy though there’s alot of room for flaws, I doubt I’ll find him. I figure if I’m 35 and still single, I am going to TOTALLY give up on Men! All men, all relationships. And right now, i’m in limbo until I find something or someone who can make me happy in the Now. I don’t want to meet a guy who is totally freaked, or seriously turned on by my kids. I want something in the middle. I can imagine what I want to feel from a guy, but I don’t know how to say it right. But I know one thing. Who ever it is I end up with, Has to have traveled. Out side of the US. And be willing to bring Me and My kids. But you know, I want first to figure out my future, maybe after that’s going good, i’ll get a guy?

Ehh… stupid nonsense thoughts… Not much of it makes sense… Forget what you read… Forget what you thought… and forget this one entry for now…

Who am i writing to?