My life is so jumbled.

DISCLAIMER:Don’t get mad at me, I didn’t say it sucks. I know I have friends, I am not feeling sorrie for myself, I am just a little sad sometimes. I know what I want, but I also know that I have to compromise.

I almost lost Julien completely today. I saw him tonight, and I was supposed to go to a club with Marice and her boyfriend Matt, and as much as I love them, I would have been a third wheel all night. So when I saw Julien, he was like have a good night, and I was like I won’t, which was merely a statement of the obvious (or so I thought) because I was only going because I had promised Marcie I would go because it was her senior day for swimming. He told me to take someone with me, and I said I don’t have any friend (see above disclaimer, I meant in real life, there was no one that could go, because there wasn’t anyone who could go). He told me to stop feeling sorrie for myself (again, see above disclaimer…). I was pissed, and as we were both walking to different people’s rooms in Founders, I bolted off to Marcie’s. I cried there for a while, and then I decided to tell him off, so I called him and met him in the lobby of the residence hall we were in. I yelled at him for like 10 minutes, saying reallie nothing I had wanted to say because I was just angry (I should have known that I wouldn’t get anything done, but I was pissed, so, well, you know.) and after a while he just couldn’t take it anymore. So he left. Like 3 minutes later after running upstairs and telling Marcie and Matt that I wanted to kill him, I called him and yelled at him some more, and in the end, I basically said I never want anything to do with you again. Good fuckin job Leah. So, after an evening of chilling with Marcie and Matt, I get back here and IM Julien saying I’m sorrie, but I’m still right, I just went about it wrong. I’m not feeling sorrie for myself, and you shouldn’t have said that to me, and you do so know what I want, but I am a little bit sorrie for how I went about it. I was… wrong… And so we talked, and he said that being more than friends is an option, and not necessarily not what he wants, but he needs his freedom, which I discovered is that he can’t be with just me. This sucks. I don’t want a full out relationship, but I can’t deal with knowing that he is kissing someone else if he is kissing me, ya know? I asked him, and he isn’t doing anything with anyone else, so, I don’t reallie know. It was always “allowed” for him to be with whoever he wanted, but that didn’t mean I was still going to be able to be with him. I want him to be happie, and if that means being with someone else, then so be it, but, when the thing is that he has to be able to be with someone else, it’s like theres no point. I am just like you can be be with whoever you want, but if you are with me, I will just assume that you don’t want to be with someone else. The freedom is there, but I want to know that if he is with me, he won’t want to be with someone else. That’s what I want. Whoa. I figured it out… I love this place. I figure myself out so much here. I just wish I could have that.