12/30/05

I hate my boyfriend.  I hate him so much right now. 

I went to hang out at the twins place for their birthday, and he has been pissed at me since.  He didn’t talk to me for 3 days. 

And then tonight, on the way to drop my truck off back in Fairfield he is all ‘we have to talk’.  Well, sweetheart I am not the one who has been dishing out the silent treatment for 3 fucking days. 

He says it ‘hurts’ him when I hang out with Julien.  He has said this before.  He says it hurts him more that I know and that I still hang out with him.  Well, what was I supposed to say to Darrell and Dwayne?  ‘I’m sorry, I can’t see you on your birthday because my boyfriend doesn’t want me to see Julien’?  And on that note, what am I supposed to say to Julien?  ‘You’ve been my friend for years, we’ve been through so much, and you will always have a place in my heart… but, that doesn’t matter to me, because Chris doesn’t want you me to see you anymore, and I only care about him’ 

Fuck that shit.  I am not doing that. 

I have always said that if anyone ever tried to make me choose between them and my friends, would always choose my friends.  What the hell am I supposed to do?  I live with this guy!  I refuse to pick him over my friends.  I refuse to throw Julien away because he feels uncomfortable. 

I won’t do it. 

He says he would stop hanging out with an ex-girlfriend if it made me uncomfortable.  I am his first real girlfriend.  He has no idea what it is like to be with someone (in at least some way) for more than 2 years.  Why should I throw out all the history we have because we broke up?  Well I won’t.  And besides, he has no idea what he would do.  That is complete bullshit. ANd let us not forget that even if he would do that for me, I would NEVER have asked him to in the first place.  If it bothered me, I would get the fuck over it.  End of story.  I have no right to try and control who he sees.  His friends are his business.

I told him he shouldn’t have asked me out in the first place if he was going to get so bent out of shape about this, I mean, it’s not like he didn’t know we are still friends.   But he just said he had no idea we were ‘that close’.  That close?  He gets bent out of shape when I see him at a party for 2 hours after not seeing him for like 6 months and we are ‘that close’?  And, what, did he always think that he would be able to get me to stop hanging out with Julien?  Because that is bullshit.

Ugh.  I just don’t know what to do… in all honesty, this is a deal breaker, but we live together now, and I don’t know what to do.  If he can’t deal with the face that I am friends with Julien, this just isn’t going to work.

I don’t know what to do.

-kitten