not constrained.

i’m not a guy for superstitions….

i don’t like the idea of fate being controlled by anything else except God. so don’t tell me high school sweet hearts won’t marry, don’t tell me long distance will break the relationship, don’t tell me that homosexuals won’t ever love the opposite sex, don’t tell me a lot of things that a lot of people are so quick to believe.

i’m not in denial about some things, i just need 100 % factual evidence on some things. an old saying that i think needs dusting off is ‘if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything."

i stand for Christ, i stand for the Bible.

i also stand for transparency.

with that being said: i have a problem with porn.

what bugs me are the people who want to make Pastors out to be more than human. Paul said that we (Pastors) are to live above reproach. porn is not above reproach.

it started i don’t know when. but it also ended for awhile. there was a blissful half a year or more of where i was done with it – and it was in high school, i was an amazing 17 year old, with a girlfriend whom i sure was going to be my wife.

we were done for awhile, i went into depression, and my ‘staying pure for her’ idea went away – and it hit me again.

i hate it. i don’t like being addicted to anything. i don’t like being controlled, held master by something. it’s like leading a cow to slaughter, you can’t do anything about it – you don’t want to go, and you know it’s going to hurt, but you have no control.

i hate being judged, but then again i’m the worst judge of them all.

i’ve read stories of people like me – Pastors, and Christians – who’ve committed suicide trying to escape sexual sin. i can see why. people like me try so hard to overcome the sin.

and i’ve tried, and i’ve surrendered, and i feel like i’m looking for some epic prayer to Christ that for once and for all it’s going to end it.. that one verse in the Bible that’s going to bring what i need to light, that one something.

when i hate superstitions. i hate thinking like that.

so you know what. it ends right now. in a stupid little OD entry in front of a whole world of people who don’t know me.
it doesn’t take some epic prayer. it doesn’t take some legendary cry of defeat in front of people. it doesn’t take pills, doctors, or interventions. it just takes this.

i’m done. and literally: so help me God.

days of freedom from sexual sin – 1