A Tardy Thank You Note

Dear Blather,

I am writing to you today because you left before I could say goodbye. I was sitting in the kitchen when Bruce came in , looking anemic and said “Blather died”. My first response was “excuse me?” – I was not processing what I was hearing, afterall, you’ve been through so very much but always seemed to beat the current demon. As I sat there, a sort of cognitive osmosis occurring, so much went through my head.  Of course, my first turn was to the OD Community to read what everyone had to say and to understand what happened to you . As I read, I found my throat closing up to the point where I felt asthmatic and that blurry surreal feeling came over me. Open Diary without you…you were always so much more than authorcode=C100018.

I guess when someone dies, we sort of run through a “remember when” of their life and what they meant to you. What you did for Bruce and I  in terms of our Open Diary philosophy and our mission  will always be a part of our memory and our future plans for OD. I can often times think of times when I would think – what will Blather say about this or Chuck is going to have a fit about that, you represented the type of writer that I wanted to please with our site – someone with talent as well as an ascerbic wit and critical eye.

Remember when you would write “scenes from a taxi”? I have really incorporated that into my daily life. I love to look at the world around me as photo snapshots, myself being the spectator as life passes around me. Thanks for that perspective.

I remember talking to you on the phone at the barbeque – you were a bit reticent with me, almost shy. I was so very excited to talk to you – I wanted to tell you exactly what you meant to me – I didn’t do a very good job then, and now it’s too late to tell you in person.

WHen I look back at everything that has passed over the years, I know that you touched many lives with your willingness to share your very personal experiences – and for that, you will always be remembered among all of us at Open Diary.

I am be glad that your pain is over…. I just wish that it didn’t take death for that to occur.

I am glad that there is someone to take care of Klam, I did think of her when I heard you passed on. You know, I still think of you when I look at my renal failure cat, and your aptly naming him Pee-ter, even though he still responds to Barney ( his original name).

Where are you now? I wish you could write and tell us. What is death like? I wish you could share with us like we are accustomed to from you….scenes from the afterlife, if only…. 

 I would like to tell you thank you from the bottom of my heart – for letting me understand that meeting fear head-on is possible and to always look at people as individuals, with the understanding that we all have so many complex experiences shaping our personalities and reactions. 

To say goodbye to you , I leave you with something you recently wrote. I’d like to think your time spent here provided you with some “molecular healing”:

It’s hard to explain and bounces around in my head looking for illogical loopholes, but that doesn’t make it any less true. When I talk to my friend, it’s like the pain and disillusion I feel almost every day melts away. I feel deeply changed, and every time a part of me is knit back together. Things that didn’t make sense, even from years ago, suddenly snap into perspective and shine a glaring spotlight on another thing that I had forgotten that I knew. Then these two things, joined together in gentle clarity find a hurting place inside of me and make it better. It’s not like psychic healing. It’s not faith healing. It’s healing based on something still mysterious and undefined for me, but very, very real. I don’t even want to question it too much; I simply want to acknowledge that it’s there and that I would never do anything to risk its existence. I’m usually the guy who seeks the compact and elegant answer. I’m not going to be that guy in this case. I’m going to be the guy who basks in a simple and new truth and nurture the friendship we’ve created and try to not hurt so much.

Till later Queen Blather, I will look for the friend in the tiara …DMS