CHANGE

So I just found out my roommate is going to be moving back home in 2 months.  This is the first time I’ve had to make plans to move to a place where it’s just me, no one else.  You know, I’ve never really had to go at it alone.  To the outside person it might appear as if I’ve lived my whole life in some sort of quasi seclusion but that’s just not true.  I’ve always kept people around me… Maybe not as close as they’d like to be and maybe for all of the wrong reasons but hey, it is what it is yea? 

And for the first time in 28 years I’m finding myself in a situation where I am going to have to make a run of it 100% on my own.  I keep thinking of a baby birds first flight and what it must feel like.  I play the scenario through my mind a thousand times and wonder if the bird knows that it’s life or death shit.  Fly or die.  

My life to this point has felt so god damned… menial to some sense of fear, panic, guilt, remorse.  It’ is if I believed the hype that I am restricted to or by anything when I know that’s not the case, not at all.  At the end of the day I know moving on will be for the best.  It’s not a big deal, countless people live by themselves in big cities, left with their own thoughts and ambition or lack thereof. 

Is it crazy to be scared that things might go well?  I feel so fucking strange being nervous that this could very well be the major change in events that shake loose whatever it is that’s been jarring me up all of these years.  My morality is so backwards… I think that’s the major hangup.  I get nervous that my moral compass is so far south that it won’t allow me to inch pass that high precipice and climb over to the other side so that I can pursue… whatever it is I am supposed to be chasing.  When it comes to the traits that set a person apart its funny how fine the line is between it being the birth of your life as it should be and the death of your life as you know it.

There’s a huge change coming for me
I pray to God it’s a life giving change and not the kind I’ve seen before.