One
I know this is new territory. I love the show Euphoria. I’m 19 and life has been so crazy. It’s cool to look back and reflect. I know big things are ahead of me. Big things that will take time to climb. I used to go to therapy. So much has happened since then. I think that I like hearing abt other peoples problems. I don’t know what I want. For once I am focused on me. Protecting my heart. I have a huge heart. Its sensitive, gentle, afraid, and bold. It feels so much. Like my emotions are big tall unfaced figures who walk all over me and sit down on me whenever they feel like it and when they do I feel like I can’t breathe. I had my heart broken by a guy I didn’t even date. Got drunk for the first time and we made out in a bathroom of our friend’s. I told him he made feel alive. That I thought he was my person. I said you say we’re just friends but the way you look at me is not like a friend. Probably the boldest I’ll ever be. 11 year old me would be giggling and gasping in shock. 13 year old me probably would think I imagined it and I’d never have a boyfriend. Damn this is the only person whos ever made me feel this way. He’s almost 10 years older than me lol. Crazy. He’s as old as my brother. I don’t know how I feel. He said he wants to make this work. What even is this lol. How do I even feel? Im gonna listen to Lorde and the Euphoria soundtrack and just feel it out. I feel like I finally am okay on my own I don’t want to let him fuck it up again. Are we supposed to be?
You have your whole life ahead of you. Take your time. 🙂 Enjoy what life this pandemic allows.
Warning Comment
“How do I even feel?” is what you said. If you don’t know how you feel about something, move on from it. If you really do have a great big sensitive bold heart then damn sure you have an intuitive ability to match it’s size and majesty. When the right people/places/things for you to interact with come along, you’ll just know. It won’t feel like confusion and decision, it will feel like peace. If you are currently digging your own company, jive with that. Get to know yourself. Enjoy spending time alone. It’s crazy powerful. Most people have no idea how to be content and alone with themselves in a room. If you can master that at 19 you’ll be leaps and bounds ahead of your fellow young bloods and live a happier life. I’m 29 so I’ve got a round decade on you but I don’t mention this to sound wise or smarter or worldly (I’m still struggling hella hard so don’t think “growing up” helps). I’m just saying, I’ve got ten years behind me of learning that being alone isn’t the curse that society has made it out to be. Also, if he’s older than you and that age instantly makes you compare it to the age of your brother, that’s another alarm bell from your intuition saying “Honey, something don’t feel right here.” I hate when people calm me down by saying stuff like “You’re so young, it will be okay, you have so much life left” because in the red hot moment of panic that advice may as well be the Family Guy theme song for all the relief it gives. So, I’m not going to say being 19 and young affords you a modicum of peace because this issue clearly is important to you and feels huge in the moment. Just remember it’s a moment. This too shall pass and all that crap. Listen to your gut, never doubt your intuition. Godspeed Girl xoxo
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