Changes?

There have been so many changes and unknowns in my life and it is all so overwhelming.

I used to write all the time. I used to spend hours on end filling dollar store notebooks with all my thoughts and worries. Me and my friend would share with each other our bullet journals and laugh at our weird creations. However, when it comes to sharing your private thoughts with your close friend; things don’t always go smoothly. What once was light-hearted and fun turned into a competition. I gave up writing pretty quickly, and soon after our friendship

I decided now that all of the toxic and gross thoughts in my brain need to go somewhere before I go crazy. So…here it goes…

Last month I found my unconscious mother after she tried to take her own life. For a little less than a year, she has been dealing with chronic pain after surgery went arry and left her paralyzed. I understand why she tried to take her life. She is in a constant state of pain and is no longer living a life. When her injury first happened her healing process was going rather smoothly until it wasn’t.

Me and my dad found her. I can still hear her voice telling the paramedics that she doesn’t want to live anymore, that we should have let her die. She was out of the house for a while. She came home a few weeks ago, stricken with guilt.

I feel guilty too. I can’t look at her the same. I know it’s selfish because she has so much going on but I don’t trust her anymore. I find it hard to connect with her. I force smiles every time I’m around her and I try to get out of the house as much as possible. I still have nightmares and I don’t know what to do. It’s not the same anymore.