So I followed the bread crumb trail here only to discover that this diary that I think back to often, is totally incomplete now. I had forgotten that I lost the majority of my diary (all the good parts!) during some glitch that happened years ago. I started writing here when I was in jr. high or my first year of high school. I wrote here all the time, over the course of probably 5 years. Right up until this thing closed. My last entries (the only ones left) are from the summer right before I left home and moved away to college. Now….I have been married for TEN years and I have 2 kids!!! LET THAT SINK IN.
I haven’t kept a journal much since OD closed, because I couldn’t find a good home. OD was so broken in for me. nothing else was comfortable. I did continue to journal on paper during the time I was at college, when I met my husband, etc. But I stopped writing all together when things got broken in and comfortable with my now-husband. I’ve only written off and on. I have a new online journal at goodnight journal that I have maybe 10 entries in over the past year. I’m probably going to stick with that. I hate losing my entires again and again. If OD remains free, maybe I will move my stuff over here.
I read those few remaining entries that linger on here from 2004. It makes me wonder where the my head was at (up my ass?!) that I put so much weight on this relationship with Fred, that now I look back and think was pretty weak. I don’t remember having such strong feelings for him. I think I didn’t, I just liked how Fred was nice to me, and how he made me feel. I was a little uncomfortable under his loving gaze. I had no self confidence. I was broken and that time I was with him was a phase I look back now and consider my restorative phase. Fred helped get me ready for college by healing me and letting me rest so I could recover from the tumultuous and dangerous ups and downs of my realtionship with Brandon and all the things and people that happened during it. It wasn’t just Brandon of course. Not by any means. It was everything I did to myself during the 4 years of high school. Fred was a pure spring that washed me clean and sent me away from there. Freshman year of college was filled with the same risky behavior and of course every single time I went home I went back to Brandon. But I also latched on to a nice guy pretty early on, and he kept me feeling confident and that relationship helped build me up too. Everything falls into place as its meant to.
By the time I was 21, I was married and I was happy so there was nothing left to write about! I was confident and comfortable and safe and everything was fun! So I couldn’t be bothered to write. During challenging motherhood moments or difficult patches with my husband I have written. But here we are now, 10 years strong, and I mean STRONG, living the dream really. 2 beautiful kids and jobs we love (I don’t even have to work when I don’t want to). My parents moved to where we live too, so we have support. Everything that happened before only worked to bring me to this life. I wish I had made different choices as a teen. I had no self respect or confidence. I was not a strong person. But now I know I can use that to help raise my 2 daughters to be brave and bold and proud of who they are.