To whomever wrote that private note, thanks. i think you may be right. i cant say ill get the chance to try it, but i hope so.
Im entering a deep hole now it feels like. surface-level things with paul have been up and down, but i feel nothing but down. Right now, paul is outside somewhere, maybe driving, i dont know. he stormed out. We got in a fight this morning because he tried to have sex when we woke up and i turned him down. he looks at porn instead of having sex with me, and i feel rejected, so i wanted him to know what it felt like to be rejected and maybe he would relate, and see things from my perspective. it didnt work. he was mad he got rejected but thinks im a total crazy ass bitch: crazy ass for being upset by the porn, and bitch for rejecting him and being "bitchy" deliberately. I wasnt bitchy. I just said no. He pressed the issue so many times, so i finally told him i couldnt have sex with him while he normally just looks at porn when i want to have sex. he doesnt need me for those things. why should i give it to him on his terms? What about when I want to have sex, like at night, in OUR bed?
it got ugly. its worse now. im sure i made him hate me, and i hate him and have for a while. (you know). i was trying to be honest and not attacking. but i confessed that im scared and desperate and starting to feel like i got married too young and we arent compatable…and i was going on to say that now i am desperate to make it work and find the love we had in the begining, but he didnt let me finish. he yelled LOUDLY and stuck his finger in my face as usual and said fuck a lot, and bitch a lot, and stormed out, telling me he will go into the red zone every time with me if i dont stop threatening to leave. i wasnt threatening to leave. i shouldnt have said that out loud. i feel it in my heart but i shouldnt have told him.
i tear up every time i think it now, because its hard to admit (not sure its true yet but im wondering…) but thinking "i got married too young. we arent compatatble. now im stuck. what do i do? stay and make it work? or should i go? this isnt right. he wasnt meant for me. we dont work. im not happy. have i ever been happy with him?
i dont know the answer to the last question but its probably YES, and i just cant remember those times anymore. I cry myself to sleep all the time. it was my birthday moday and i sobbed hysterically in my bed alone until like 2 am. i was praying to god for the answer on what to do here. i was asking him how it got this way.
i dont know if i am over reacting. i probably am and that scares me. paul thinks im crazy. i dont know if all this is my fault now.