Miss Contradiction.

I feel very much lost.

Looking around this room, I see boxes and clothing and computer items and a duffel bag and books…just scattered. I walk into the garage and see every article I own cluttered throughout.

List of things to do…

1. Organize this room.

2. Go through countless numbers of boxes and decide what I want and don’t want.

3. Organize what I want.

4. Organize what I don’t want.

5. Send in rent for this month. Even though probably won’t be there anyway.

6. Send in rent for next month.

7. Form a budget so I know I can make car payments/student loans.

8. Finish paperwork for school district.

9. Figure out electric, cable, internet and phone companies and contact them.

10. Try to figure out how and when the stuff can move to the new apartment.

I feel like this summer has been nothing but going back and forth, trying to find a job and now trying to move close to where the job is.

I want my summer back.

And I realized.

I’m a contradiction.

Today I’ve been so depressed for some reason.

I want to be close to my family. I want to move away from this area.

I feel so happy I’ve gotten a job in Maryland. It’s just sinking in that I’ll be quite a distance away from my family.

I want to be the typical female. I want to be myself (who isn’t the typical female).

I love to surround myself with childrens’ things–find myself lingering in the childrens’ department, toy departments, longing for a child. I know I’m not ready and couldn’t handle and have so many things I want to do before I have a child.

I feel like I’m ready to settle down forever, hearing my parents, especially my mom, commenting on someday when I’m married blah, blah, blah. I wouldn’t want to do anything just for the sake of others, because I’m expected to.

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…why is life always love and hate?