mutterings…

Resolutions…

1. To be a better human being.

2. To be a better listener.

3. To be a better teacher–not to teach what I’m told, to teach what I feel my students need to learn.

4. To be more confident.

5. To refuse to settle for second best.

I’ve changed in some ways. I look at some things about myself and don’t like what I see. I feel that I’ve compromised some things. I feel that I made promises in my youth, to my faith, that I don’t keep today. I feel like I compare myself too much to others. That I look at what they have, what I desperately want and loathe them for it. I want those things that once I did not. I feel that my life is going by me and I’m watching it go, hoping for something with you that you never wanted in the first place.

The stars rarely capture my attention anymore.

I am just here. But what is the point? I love you so much but at the same time feel like I”m not enough. If only you knew. But I won’t tell you, will I? I’m the queen of silence.

I will drown in my misery. You’re not the only one, you know? That tells me that I like to be sad. That’s not true.

Perhaps I’ve never known happy.

I feel like a friend with benefits at times. Without a future.