Ches 3, 1492 DR – The Mere of Dead Men

We were attacked in the night by things I’ve never seen before. I lost Duraina and Nainarv. I’ve learned my lesson, again in the blood of innocents. Every night, every watch, every route, always assume an attack. I won’t lose another person. I thought we were safe and I was wrong. Again. I won’t leave my caravan again for my own pleasures. I’m on duty – Period.

I took off the helmet today. I tossed it into the ocean. That chapter of my life is over, I can’t afford to be keeping such silly secrets when there are so many wonderful secrets to keep instead. I can’t wait to see the look on father’s face when he receives the wedding invitation.

Robyn took his mask and hood off too. I thought there was going to be a commotion for me…but – well, a Drow in the caravan definitely took the cake. AND he..kissed me in public. Like in front of everyone! I guess I can sleep. Essy threatened to kill me (and probably said something similiar to Robyn) if I hurt him. I’m more worried about ESSY hurting him. I’m no good to anyone as tired as I am, I think I will badger Robyn for his sleeping spot for a few hours so I can at least trance.

Afternoon (while traveling)

I told Essy all about Robyn. I think maybe she wasn’t ready for some of it. She looked like someone was trying to steal her underthings when I asked for help picking a dress! She’s gonna help me though. I told her about my issue. Apparently my contact for Drow phrases either really sucks at Drow, or was setting me up. I thought I could say ‘Cuddle with me’ and ‘Make me yours’ apparently what I know means ‘Fuck me’ and ‘Make me your slave’. Not good. I feel like crying. I worked really hard to learn those phrases, and spent quite a bit of money. But Essy says we can try and look around Neverwinter and see if anyone there knows anything about the language. I think though…that..maybe the ones I do know might come in handy. I need to feel out Robyn though. He comes across as pretty….aggressive. But he is a Drow male. Maybe he doesn’t want to play that kind of game? He might be more submissive than he lets on and it would make him uncomfortable. I’ll see if I can feel him out the next time we have some alone time. I need to figure out how to feel him out though. He’s always so gentle and sweet. I hope I don’t make him uncomfortable. I really want this to be good for him.

I hurt him. Less than 24 hours since he said we would try it,…and I hurt him. I don’t know what I’m doing! Its all just fumbling around in the dark. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I thought it would be natural. Its not. It’s not natural at all. I feel like I’m seconds from tears or yelling in joy all the time. Like I can’t regulate anything. I hurt him when I told him to be careful of lying to me. But…what else could I say? He looked so angry. I don’t think even he knew how much. Maybe he was right. I *don’t* know him. He never let us get close enough. Maybe…maybe I need to start there. With knowing him. All I have are the obsessions of a stupid girl. I fell in love with him from a distance, through half truths and veils of deceit to hide the truth from all of us. The next time we are alone…I’m going to talk to him. I need answers. Real ones. If we don’t do something fast then we’ll tear each other apart. I already feel like I’m breaking.