01/18/2013

I’ve become befuddled by how close I am to Terence, when Simon died, although it was of course sad, I was okay with it in a way because I still had James and Ashley around, James in particular is just a young version of his father, so, it didn’t feel like I have totally lost Simon, because I could see so much of him in James.

But, it’s harder to observe yourself I guess, I don’t get to see me, be friends with me, and see Terence in that capacity, so for me, it feels like a complete loss, with no reprieve. I’m terrible at describing it too, I suppose I thought familiarity sort of bred understanding but perhaps it was because it was never so world shattering before, which sounds awful, rude, but, I mean, one thing I keep asking myself when I’m in a fit of tears is how can your father die? I know it’s a stupid question, but it consumes me, because it just seems so wrong, like, it’s not meant to be, as though there was some mistake, and nobody is listening to me, because everything just keeps going on, the days are still beautiful, people are still in love, sleep and the mundane aspects all continue to, I still wake up, eat, all of that, and all those mundane, everyday things, feel as though they have been robbed of their meaning, they’re just actions now, whilst the profound things, life, beauty, happiness, love, family, seems confused,

How many great loves can you have in a lifetime? How many, are you likely to have? How many, can you lose, before you begin to lose some of yourself? That in large part what frustrates me so much, that it is all questions, everything has become indistinct, unknown, things I knew before. 

I’m slowly forgetting how his accent sounded. And silly things trouble me, like how I’ve got this unfortunate trait where I tend to imitate the accents around me, with a predisposition for the Irish since Terence was the house-wife in our family, so I saw him a lot more than I saw Robyn, and because up to the age of 8, I had been to 6 schools and moved 11 times, so, I never knew anyone for more than 6 months, other than Terence and Robyn. It’s unfortunate because it makes me look, somewhere between impressionable and pretentious, neither of which are traits I want associated with me. But now, without him around, to talk to and listen to, now I’m wondering if I’ll begin to lose my accent, or whatever you call it. I’m hoping it won’t, because, that would be sad to me, I don’t want to lose that, it feels like another personal loss of my father.