01/26/2013

It’s a bad thing to think, and I hope it’s not something I’ll believe or say in the future, but, with Terence gone, I wonder if anyone can really understand me, without him there? It’s like, forcing part of yourself into hiding, never to be seen again, the rest of you is still there, as is everyone else, but this bit that has so much inherent value, is, pretty much unknowable. I wonder if I can make a friend, who will understand me the way James or Brent do? No, understand is the wrong term, who will know me, the way they do? It’s too much of a loss.

I’ve been watching the cricket this Summer, the way I would with Terence, well, you don’t really watch cricket, you have it on in the background and check in on it, generally the only sustained part is the last 5 to 10 overs. This year I’ll be watching Formula 1 by myself too I guess. Terence used to tell me about his father, Hugh, how he was a saint, Terence really loved his father, but his father had to disown him in a sense for what he did, which hurt Terence, but he never blamed his father. It must be hard, experiencing something like that from the person you love/admire most. I grew up, adoring Terence, it just felt natural. His, heart is love. His mind, however, wasn’t.