03/12/2013

It’s very difficult to quantify loss, there are things, moments, where I feel I’m dealing better with all of this better than anyone else is, and then I think, how can I be so confident about my thoughts if something so integral to them has now vanished? In a way, my brief time with Fiona made it simpler, it was a pure cut loss, just, a total senseless loss, but with Terence, he was, causing harm to others, mental torture it amounted to, I never wanted Terence to die, but it was the solution that made the most sense to reach a resolution in the situation, he was beyond help, or I like to believe that. Even the way he died, because of his septicemia, he wouldn’t go to the hospital, all the evidence in the world against him, he would say to me ‘They’re threatening with these weapons of mass destruction to try and force my hand’, not his exact words but similar, turns out they were right.

Revisionism is a trap, the amount of variables that go into a single moment are so staggeringly complex that you can see why people want a god, salvation and all that aside, they just want an answer, and what’s easier than ‘God did it.’ ? I can’t think of anything, here we have a near universal explanation, ask why and be told god, how, when, all of that, is god. God makes sense of something horrifyingly complex, and even better not only does it give purpose in this life, it offers another, even finer one, so long as you commit to him I guess. I actually rather respect Theists, I don’t know many Atheists that do, in fact, I don’t really know any, but, 

It’s more a matter of doing something, maybe that’s the male thing in me, it’s not a proud thing I guess it’s just that I hate being powerless, the last thing a man wants is to be ineffective, I do think I regret the loss more, but that sense of being powerless is a close second. I’ve always thought it was more a matter of honouring the dead, I don’t care for any of that nonsense about the dead being immune from criticism, nobody loved Terence more than I did, and he loved nobody more than me, I know that, everyone does, and so in this case although I do and say things other’s disapprove of, I am immune. I did a short jig on his grave, just to do it, because it’d make him laugh, and me, you don’t often get a chance to dance on someone’s grave, but I got mine. Honestly, you should hear the reactions I get to this, for the vast majority of people, at every possible opportunity, they pass up every chance to think about something themselves and just go with what their circumstances have taught them to be the correct response.

Anyhow, I’m getting off track as I tend to and as this subject leads one to,

Robyn said something interesting, very accurate, that the reason we didn’t let people into our family, our house, as friends, is because we were hiding a terrible secret, that Terence whom everyone adored, and I mean adored, like something out of a book.

I think