An Atheist’s Heaven

I had a dream last night, being the 15th of March here. In it, I think, I was sitting with Terence and I made a joke, an observation and he laughed, we were sitting together on the big white chair in the lounge room of 706/93 Brompton, where he used to sit, and we laughed together. I woke up, to my new room, in a new house, and I flung myself out of the bed onto the ground, trying to cry, running in circles around my room, about how unfair it is that I can’t even feel him anymore, I considered running into Robyn’s room, and being comforted, but I didn’t. At which point, I woke up again, this time actually, and just stared at the ceiling for a while.

I think, without the conscious restraint, that’s probably how I’d be, just, crying running in circles seeking comfort.

When people tell me they are sorry to hear about his death, I just shrug and say, well he got to 78 and there’s nothing wrong with that. I mean, really what do you say?

My basis for perspective, my, developed strength, power, was that, whatever happened to me, I’d compare it to the idea of Terence dying, and having to deal with that, and that always made it easier, because, compared to one of your parents dying everyday problems become simplistic. Which would I prefer. I always knew, and I chose Terence, because that’s the one I was most scared of, I allowed myself one fear, one childish, selfish fear.

I told Robyn yesterday, that Terence believed in multiple universes, with the common theory that in each is the potential for every possibility to play out, it’s a concept well beyond something one can really imagine in any significant detail, but, I just wanted to give her something to hold to, because she is religious, believes in a God, but had Terence and I, who are both strong Atheists, I used to be rabid but then I met someone who had such a simple beautiful understanding of it, he told me, his religion was a gift given to him by his mother, and if you can’t respect that, what can you respect? So, I told her, that in another universe, Terence is alive, in another, she is dead, and I hoped maybe that would give her comfort, an Atheist’s approach to giving something to another beyond what we can observe in our universe, an Atheist’s heaven.