Difficult Love

I stopped writing for a while there, I became focused on how things would sound, too many eyes that know me reading the words, offence is such a easy thing to take, taken so readily. Music ends up meaning a lot to me, no matter my age, I’m glad of that, I wonder if others feel for it the way I do, I like to think so, I’ve dated girls whom I had no real connection with because we liked the same music, trying to force a relationship is such pointless endeavour, fruitless.

I think what I’m beginning to understand is that, the loss is really in the missing potential, it’s not that I’ll forget Terence, ever, it’s that, I can never interact with him again, never listen to him and see him. It’s all terribly surreal, I spent my whole life comparing every bad situation to the thing I feared most, which was Terence dying, no matter what the situation was, everything was preferable to having him die, and now he’s dead, I’ve experienced the most grueling thing I will ever experience, and I’m just shaken, not devastated, not zen, not in control, just shaken, unstable. I’m glad I made those videos.

I don’t regret the amount of time we spent together, that was largely why I stayed at home for so long, because of his advanced age, and my, desire to have as much of my father as possible. Little things though, now seem strange, it’s not regret, but I think to myself of all the times I had gone for a walk by myself, with my music, when visiting the hospital in the last year of his life, I’d go away for 40 minutes to an hour, just walking, I remember, distinctly going into Hungry Jack’s to get a post-mix coke on Oxford St, up stairs looking down to the road from the red-metallic glitter on the cushions of the booth, thinking, what it’d be like to sit there, when Terence was dead, and how it would feel, I couldn’t, I honestly couldn’t figure out how I would feel, I knew it would a low emotion, a dullness, no, I don’t miss him intensely, I have this feeling of a dull constancy, to use the great cliche, like something that was there before, isn’t anymore, like I’m missing something out of my very self, integral and irreplaceable.

‘Tears stream down your face, when you lose something you can’t replace.’ A Cold play line, don’t know why it always stuck out to me, but it did, I don’t focus much on lyrics,

I took his clothes out of the wardrobe, so Robyn didn’t have to look at them every day, and some of his sweaters and shirts still smell like him, he would wear Terre d’Hermes, which I didn’t like, strong citrus and earth scent, very old man, but I guess it suited him, he, was out of place in his character and upbringing, he adored his father and I believe imitated him in his character, manners and so forth, even though he was born in 1934 he feels even older, I’m told I’m a bit of an old man myself.

I don’t know what sort of weight I put into this, but I’ve always felt like I was going to die young, like, this place wasn’t really meant to have me, not even that I belong somewhere else, just that this place gives me a transient vibe, I apologise for the nonsense hippie talk but it’s hard to talk about spiritual things when you’re an Atheist and therefore don’t believe in any of it. I mean, I know I’m wrong, but I still feel, like I will die, the strange thing is, most people agree with me, even Robyn, my mother, immediately agreed when I brought it up, which I found pretty incredible because of that, you know, maternal instinct, only son, matter. I probably just inherited her lack of faith.

It’s been hard to watch Robyn deal with mortality, she hates that Terence was an Atheist, because it’s too bleak to her, which is exactly my complaint, I’ve never understood how one can feel smug in being an Atheist, when you compare what you get out of being an Atheist, as opposed to say a Christian, it’s just ridiculous. Christian’s get the ‘golden parachute’ redundancy program, ascendancy, a perfect spiritual soul, eternal happiness, reunited with family and friends, infinite time and joy to study, interact, learn, all of it. An Atheist’s gets the emptiness of time and space without a consciousness, when made redundant. unknowing matter, not even the potential to conceive of it, I’m sure hell is awful or whatever, but between nothingness or eternal damnation I still tend to think a lot of people would pick hell, it’s much daunting to just stop existing I think. Plus I’m sure Hell isn’t all that bad, just exaggerated.

Robyn will say things like, ‘If this is all there is, what am I working for everyday?’ That sort of thing can be the undoing of a healthy mind, I really believe that. Because, there isn’t any point, the fundamental thing as an Atheist I believe is to understand the nature of meaning, nothing has inherent meaning, meaning is something we, individually, apply to what we observe. The major question, ‘What is the meaning of life?’ is something of a trick question, there is no meaning. You can apply meaning, but it’s only meaningful to you, nobody else, can share your exact sentiment, your exact meaning, on a matter like that. The question should be, ‘What meaning do you want life to have?’

I’m still a happy Atheist, don’t take me wrong, but, I must admit, given the choice, if all the people I love and will love could go to heaven when they died, and myself with them, I’d take that. Amongst the hardest things you can do as a person, is to believe, that the person you love, is dead and that’s it, no respite, no second chances, no eternal happiness for them, they just, stop, one day, and that’s it. This person, whom you love so fucking much, just, ends.

That’s, hard.