Know & Expect

At the end of a power, a faculty, is something indistinct.

Some losses, are more personal than external, though it’s meant to be someone you’ve lost. Maybe, lost is the right term, because these days I spend a lot of time wondering, how it’s possible for your father to die, I mean, I know, in an objective capacity, but emotionally, it just doesn’t seem, possible, how, does this happen?

I knew someone very cynical once, he was a few years older than me and I admired him, he was so intelligent, just, this unabated ferocious intellect, an Atheist, a cynic, depressed and condescending to most people, he felt special but also lonely. When his cat died, he wrote about it, how it hurt him, and I remember thinking that was strange, because I didn’t see that in him, that vulnerability and care. I knew another person, whom I admired, he was hard working, above average intelligence but not on the same level as Joe, was easily stressed and vulnerable, but he made a concerted effort to avoid depression, fear, etc. He was religious, and I didn’t think much of religious people back then, because, well, to put it simply, I think people naturally assume what is obvious to them is obvious to others, and in my comprehension of the world, there was no God, if anything I felt that the God answer was too simplistic and silly, but that was because of the caliber of Theist’s I knew, which is to say ones my own age, teenagers, whom rarely have a good and comprehensive reason for anything they do or believe, let alone the nature of the universe, they would often use the argument that the world is so complicated, to specialised, that there had to be a God to explain it, which doesn’t follow good logic, because they see complication and unanswerable matters, but then decide logically that something even more complicated, unanswerable is responsible? Matthew though, my friend whom I admired, was different, he had a very simple attitude to religion, one it took me a while to understand because of how rabid an Atheist I was, which is that for him, his religion, was a gift, given to him by his mother, it wasn’t, an answer for the world, it was just something bequeathed to him, I guess that sounds kind of simplistic, but it’s one of those things where the more you study it, think about it, the more sophisticated you realise it is. I found so at least.

It was the first time, in my petty arrogance, that I could accept another person’s faith, more than that, admire it. After that, I was able to respect the beliefs of others, where as up to that point, I felt I had some responsibility to try and sway them from their unquestioned faith, which I don’t believe is beneficial, as you age, if nothing else, you ought to understand your reasons for things, why you do them or believe them, they don’t have to be sophisticated reasons, but you really ought to know, otherwise you are left ignorant of yourself, and there’s little you can accomplish in the face of anything even resembling adversity if you don’t even know why you’re doing something.

It was, peculiar for me, because as I got to know the two of them better, I realised that Matthew had more to offer, more for me to learn from, than Joe did, even though Joe had this unique genius to him, Matthew’s simple sense and good nature made more available to him, see capability is a funny term, because really Joe ought to have the great capability, but he didn’t, it was Matthew that was capable.

Being a genius doesn’t mean very much, you’re not necessarily any happier, popular or capable, that’s really up to the individual to be. Which does give me some hope.