Review It All

I think the real cruelty of loss is how the mind circles to it in moments where there is a lull in the world, when you sort of, forget that you’re breathing and looking and all that, and your thoughts become everything. Because, when I see the world, I don’t see it marred with my sadness, it’s only in my thoughts, that there is this, profound sense of lacking, not, loss necessarily, just something in that area.

Sometimes I think, and I hope I’m wrong, that how much can I really expect a new person to understand me, without them knowing Terence? It feels like, I’ve lost the possibility of someone truly, genuinely knowing me, when you make someone so much a part of you, and they disappear, it’s, hmm, how much can you really communicate to another person? How much can you really describe yourself? To have someone know you that way? You have to observe someone, just watch them, to know them, it’s a bit like, how, the things we say tend to be the sort of person we want to be, or feel that we are, not necessarily who we are, as always, too much focus on the actions of a person distract from their motivations, and motivations are the clearest way to understand someone, if you know what motivates them, you can predict things in them. Which is why, sometimes when you know a person, and you realise, you no longer like them, you no longer feel that affection, I reckon most of the time it’s because you’ve recognised their motivation, you’re not, following them along anymore so to speak, you’re conscious, people, and maybe this is just me, tend to disappoint.

That’s not just me though, is it?

The weird thing is, the person I feel I can be most honest with, about my current weakness, is Brent, someone whom I’ve always wanted to hide weakness from, but I think, it’s because I saw him cry when we first talked about Terence, because I saw, it wasn’t my loss he was observing and feeling, it was his own, he loved Terence, and I can share that with him, I can’t share in someone’s pity of me, but I can share in mutual loss. Part of what bothers me, I guess, is that, there’s no one to really understand my loss, from my perspective, I can’t, even hope, to describe to another person how much Terence meant to me, it’s not, within my ability, my capability, any of it, it’s one of those awful cases of you either know or you don’t, and, now, nobody new can, and, part of what I find most frustrating, is that at the moment, of the people that know me, I expected more of them, to understand, and they don’t. Some because, they refuse to see me as weak to it as I am, some out of ignorance, it’s, varied, but, I experience the same affect, I’m a little disappointed in myself, that’s how I felt with Alle at the end, that she, really, knew so little about me, I felt I tried to explain it all to her, show it all, if anyone was to, it would be her, and she didn’t, she really didn’t. She, saw me, as someone above who I am, and whilst that may sound nice, it’s not.

Ask anyone who is depressed or moody, they’ll tell you the same thing, I just want to be understood, that’s universal.

When you aren’t, you feel very removed.