Sight Never Unseen

I spend my time looking at beautiful things, searching them out, to try and feel that satisfaction that comes with finding something outside yourself that you find important, and, all I can think about is how senseless death is, purposeless.

I found you here, lain amongst the reeds, still body and halted breath, your eyes soft and gentle, having lost the spark that infuriated and entertained me, all I see is a quiet emptiness, and this one phrase, which I’ve come to hate, goodbye, again, the only word I heard in the last week, more than once, was goodbye, what was so good about it? I want nothing to do with it, I’ve lost something that I can’t let go, that I don’t want to let go, and daily met with confusion and anger, because I’m not incharge anymore, I’m just an onlooker, because, one day, a cell divided incorrectly, and all it could remember, was it’s worst moment, again and again, millions, billions of times, and now I look on, my only father, slain by a billion cells that didn’t care to be reasoned with, that couldn’t be seen or noticed. Where’s the purpose in that? What was gained that day? Nothing, no, there was only loss, the world, now, emptier, lesser, for it. And again, me, sitting here, watching on, looking for beautiful things, and all my reason can give me now, is saline to run down my face.

And if I only could, I’d make a deal with god, and I’d get him to swap our places, I’d be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building.

If I only could.

Robyn remarked, how peaceful he looked, after all his struggle, and I agreed. When I saw his body, lying there, still, and pale with a yellow hue, mouth open, I thought to myself, how it looked like his very soul had been torn from him, and he looked, like something that no longer, knew what it was to live. Which, I kept to myself. The last time I saw him, was awful. And I hope, nobody ever ought see me like that. Emptied and broken, it was, it was such a powerful image, such awful power, that I couldn’t describe it to a person in a way that would be accurately representative of it, it was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.

In the last week of his life, his eyes, never once looked at me, with the way he did. It is as if he disappeared somewhere, and just left the body there.