Tapping

Robyn said she doesn’t listen to music anymore, not new music, she doesn’t search it out, I’ve noticed the same for myself this year, a few, small lucky finds but nothing like what I should be. I watch Shawshank Redemption and I wonder what Terence was thinking when he watched it, which parts he saw as, valuable. I kind of, wonder if I’m doing the male thing, of not talking about my feelings to others, or whether I still do talk to others about my thoughts and feelings, just that, this is so heavy, so, absolute, it’s not really a subject you can discuss, it’s all just, plain truths, things that needn’t be exaggerated or made popular, they don’t need to be esteemed, mystified or any of that. Maybe, not the clearest sentence but still.

I’m wearing the dressing gown I bought for Terence, the last thing, I bought for him. That’s I think where I’m having trouble, today I can recall little things he did recently, that annoyed me, that did something to me, it’s the idea that, to whatever age I make it to, I’ve had all the experience I’m ever going to have, this is it, no more. Robyn, tells me that he comes to her as she reads her books, in that short point where thought crosses over into consciousness, and the things we think become real, he tells her she is doing well, apparently he’s happy when she sees him. Nana visits her too apparently, sometimes both at once. Terence, always dreamed of his father, of his home, I don’t tend to dream about people I know, it’s rare, most of my dreams are just abstract. Meaningless.

I envy them. All of them.