Weight

I drew a circle upon the moon, and waited for a memory I thought I still had, somewhere.

The heat reminds me of Summer days walking through a field, and the scent of the grass as it is burnt by the sun’s rays. A dry earthy scent, with a hint of sweetness. 

The way you can’t predict the future is agony,

I hate the images I have of him, lying on the bed in the hospital and hospice, his eyes seemed bigger than ever before, and they lost that discerning cynicism, just, he was just really trying to understand what was happening. Without his words, he seemed to be only half himself. I still haven’t cried about it yet, but when I get closest to it, his death bothers me less, than the way we spent his last couple of weeks, in that horrible place, alone most of the day, unable to move, to drink, to eat. When you reduce a person like that, it seems almost malicious, and all I can think is how awful that must have been for him. It’s a terrible thing, to rob a man of his words. Except for the basic, the only time he ever really tried to say anything, was when people would leave, just to say goodbye.

How well can you know person really? Sometimes people think that to know someone is to know their past, their history, but that’s only a part of it, you have to understand reasoning, motivation, otherwise all you know is what, and not why. Sometimes I think he might have deliberately killed himself, because if you’re not seriously deranged, surely the way he spent his last month seems to indicate some level of self-harm. Then I think maybe he underestimated it, out of pride, fear, ignorance, I don’t know. We always expected Terence to live to an old age, late 80’s to late 90’s like most of my family on my father’s side, my grandfather was 96 and my grandmother was 92. Terence was supposed to have a decade or two left.

Until now, I’ve never had any doubts about his motivation, his reasoning, I more than anyone else understand him, which is normal for a child I think, but his behaviour in the last month of his life is inscrutable, and that bothers me.

I don’t know.