A Purple Rain

What happens when you lose MORE than everything not once, but twice?

I am on the verge of beginning the work that will answer that question.

You see, 10 years ago, I lost my job, my wife, my home, my savings, my friends, and my sense of purpose/direction.  I was living in my car, then moved in with friends, then in hotels…….

The long road back….to just be in a place of looking forward, having hope, and starting a new life took the better part of a decade, was a story in it’s own.  It will be told as I make these entries – in tandem with the recent destruction that has taken place over the past 24 months.

These are the events of life that can crush ones will…..

I welcome you to take a front seat view of a life in disarray, and the attempt to recover, thrive, and above all, live the life that I always thought I deserved.  The life that I can see in my minds eye, but for some reason, has been and is at this point, unachievable.

I will do my best to make an entry each day – as I know that there will be someone watching and comparing/looking for hope/looking for inspiration.

Maybe I can help.

I think I am going to be fine…..and is that not the bigger part of the battle?

Over the course of the past 24 months:

I have lost two jobs, both of which I cherished.  They were shocking losses that were unexpected.

My income has been cut by 60%

My grandmother, who raised me when I was a very young boy – and who was the rock our family depended on, passed away

My stepmother, who I considered my mother for most of my life – we were very close, passed away suddenly

My father, passed 45 days later – both were hardly 70 years old.

My cousin was tragically killed in a car accident.  She was 30 years old

My brother and my sister have made decisions that have resulted in me not being able to be a part of their lives.

–——Newsflash——-    I have no family.  

My girlfriend of 7 years, with whom I am living with now, has stated that she “does not want to be my spouse” and is unsure if she even wants to live me any longer.  Her family has been my “family” and support unit for 7 years.  Now, it looks as if that is over and done.

I have no savings, no retirement, no family…….and ultimately when I am asked to move out…..will have no money to rent a place of my own and will most likely be sleeping in my car.

I do not have many possessions, as I entered this relationship with nothing (I lost it all previously).  I gambled and spent all of my income on the upkeep of this house (she owns), helping with the bills, and ensuring there were plenty of fun trips, etc.  My bad.  I never once expected I needed to save for this day.  The news that after 7 years, it may be over, was totally unexpected.  It blindsided me at my lowest point.

Today:  Just another day of being in this state of disarray and feeling as if I am falling and there is no where to land.  It is a curious feeling, when you are used to depending on someone…..and when you need them the most, they are unavailable.  The most crushing thing for me over the past year has not been the losses that I have suffered, rather, the inability or unwillingness of my partner to support me, show compassion and patience, and to even try to understand what it is that I have suffered.  It is a slap in the face to remember how wonderful “things” were when there was plenty of money flowing in, no losses to deal with, no grief to be a part of, no responsibility.  I am so terribly hurt by the notion that it was all “conditional”….and when life got messy for me and I needed support and reassurance more than any other time in my life……….I was deserted emotionally and have been told that “I need to get my act together”.

I am anticipating that this weekend will be the weekend that the relationship ends for all intents and purposes.  I can feel it coming.  The distance that has been created is excruciating and no matter how hard I try – I cannot bridge that span.  She has been gone on a business trip yesterday and today…will be back tonight.  I am sure that the weekend is going to be a long, dark, shitty span.

I am struggling with what I am going to do.  I cannot ask for a loan, as my credit is shit from the aftermath of my divorce.  A few months ago, I asked a friend for $2500 and they said yes….and at the last second I decided to stay.  I cannot bring myself (embarrassment) to ask again –

So – if you think life has got you beat.  If you think it is all going to shit and you do not know how you are going to survive….you are not alone.

I am here.  I am struggling.  I am not sure what tomorrow will bring.  I am not sure if I will make it.

I do know that I will try.  I will try as hard as I can.

There is one lesson that I have learned.  It is a most heartbreaking lesson and one that I never though imaginable.  But at 54 years old, you start to realize the hard, cold truth:

Trust no one.  Trust nothing.  People will die.  People will leave.  People are undependable.  The only person that you can count on is you.  I know that if I remember this – and if I do not put myself in position to be intimate, open, transparent, and trusting….then I cannot get hurt ever again.  I have spent the better part of my life sacrificing for others and trying to be sure everyone else is okay.  I never once took care of “me” first.  Ever.  I guess it is finally time……I hope it is not too late.