Driving

I used to have an open diary back when I was a teen.  Unfortunately I have no idea what any of my info is so I have to start over.  I haven’t needed a diary or journal for years but I’ve found myself with a lot of thoughts and needing to just get them out, so here I am.

I’ll start with what prompted me to create this new one.

I’m 38, never got my driver’s license.  I did get my permit at 28, had it 3 weeks and passed out at work.  After many tests it was found I was overdoing it between work,  exercising excessively,  and not getting enough sleep. Even though I never showed any previous signs, since my dad had epilepsy the state decided it could be that and took my permit. Imagine the frustration.  I felt like I wasn’t meant to drive.

Driving has always given me major anxiety. Not so much me, but all the idiots who shouldn’t have a license with their dangerous driving.
I’m a Virgo,  I like control and driving makes me feel so out of control cause of everyone else.

So I finally got my permit again last March,  have driven close to 10 hours (not a lot I know).

Mom who is in her early 70s is the only one I really have to teach me on a regular basis.  She’s a narcissist and she doesn’t want me to drive cause it’s the last thing she really has control over me. When I don’t do something she wants her first thing is “find someone to teach you to drive” or if I have an appt or need to go somewhere  “find someone else to take you”.

Being in that negativity is not appealing so of course I’ve not been practicing like I should.  Plus she’s literally a body with a license. She doesn’t actually teach  me, just sits in the passenger seat.

I’ve been watching driving videos online but it’s not the same as someone there.

I finally found someone nearby to help me. A girl I used to work with years ago and we kept in touch. She can’t be the sole person as she has her own life, but she said she’ll try to come every couple weeks.

We went out for the first time last Saturday.  I’m very grateful for her cause she told me some stuff I was doing wrong and I practiced with her for 90 min.  She said she did see an improvement by the end but I feel kinda defeated.

Part of it is our car is slightly out of alignment, likes to veer right.  So it makes me kinda jerk, not horribly, I’m still within the lines. But as a new driver it’s  definitely affecting me. Also it affects my right turns cause I have to turn then jerk the wheel back further cause the car keeps wanting to go right.  I didn’t think it was that big a deal till I went with her.  So this week I need to get some alignment quotes. From what I’ve read for our car it should hopefully be no more than $150. I’m hoping once I get that fixed it’ll fix some of my issues.

The reason I feel defeated though is I had practiced in a local cemetery that is pretty big with lots of turns,  roundabout like places,  etc  quite a few times and now have driven on multiple local roads.  When the girl came Saturday she said I need to go back to the cemetery so that’s where I mainly drove the 90 min except about the 10 min each way to and from there.

I feel like I’m starting all over which is disheartening.
I’m hoping once the alignment is fixed I’ll do much better cause if not my next option which I really don’t have the money for now is driving lessons.  There’s only one place locally and they charge $300. So I’m kinda using that as a last resort.

It just feels like I’m not meant to drive with all these hurdles I’ve had. But I really need to and dammit I can do it. It’s just so overwhelming though.  I just wish my friends lived closer.  My best friend lives 4.5 hrs away or she would help me.

I know I can renew the permit if I truly feel I’m not ready for the road test by March, though we get snow usually late Dec- March so I was trying to get my license by early December. I still have time,  but it’s just so frustrating.

Also now mom is saying I’m conning people to teach me. The girl offered when we were chatting. I didn’t ask her.  While I still need to deal with mom for some practice,  it’s just another thing she’s losing control over me on. I try not to be around her, who wants to spend time with that toxicity? But I don’t have a choice. I need to practice.
I hope someday (relatively soon) I can look back on this and say I did it, I got through all this crap and didn’t quit.