I’m a Bad Friend

The current offense in a long line, is the way I’ve gone and abused the friendship I have with M…

It started back in January, when I began working in a new shop. It’s a small place, nearly half the size of my last job. My weeks went from a crazy, high volume, high stress environment that I hated- to a slow, peaceful store that boasted high numbers despite their size. I love every second here, and I don’t regret the move one bit. It’s taken a huge weight off my shoulders; it’s as if I can breathe again after 5 years.

Not only that, the new colleagues I get to work with are wonderful. Instead of there being 11 of us, there’s just 3- including myself. It’s like a family, and I’ve grown very attached to the women I work with. They’re my friends first, and coworkers second… Except for M.

M is our “low man on the totem pole,” despite myself being the newest hire within our department, (a rank I earned due to more experience in the field.) She’s 4 years my junior and is pretty immature in comparison. Her youthful attitude and smile brighten up the place, and even when she’s angry or raving, I’m smiling just being around her.

We’ve grown really close, M and I. There’s a lot of backstory here, but for brevities sake, I’ll just say that we’ve both said on a few occasions that we’re each other’s “only friend.” Now, I’m not sure why we feel that way. There are other people in both of our lives, people that care deeply for us… Maybe it feels like we can be ourselves with each other.

But I’m a Bad Friend, remember? She was dating this guy for two years, but all she would do is complain about him. He’s too clingy, too unmotivated, too emotional, too lazy. He and M were both unhappy.

“It was a long time coming,” I thought to myself. “She deserves the freedom she craves, and he can’t provide that for her.”

I spoke up, told her that it was toxic to string him along if she hated being with him so much. That it was unfair, and he was being unfair to her as well. They just weren’t a good match, right?

And so she did. She left him. She’s single and young, and happy… right? But now, it hurts to know that I really was selfish with my words.

All I can think about is kissing her. Work has become unbearable. She’s a goofball, and constantly finds these little ways to push my buttons. It felt this way before, but now I’m so acutely aware of her presence that I find myself jumping at every little brush against my body that she makes. She’ll blow in my ear, or jokingly unzip the jacket of my uniform, (still fully clothed underneath, mind you.) If we weren’t such close friends, it’s the little things that you would normally do to flirt with another person.

We’ve both talked about our past history dating women, so I know she’s not opposed to being with another one. My big, bisexual heart has gotten itself all sorts of fucked up over her that I’m afraid I’ll do or say something to make her uncomfortable with me when, despite all the teasing, I really don’t think she thinks of me in that way at all.

Recently, I’ve isolated myself from her. Not texting back, ignoring calls, or making up excuses as to why I can’t go hang out with her. Nothing can ever happen with us. It never will, and we both know it. Whether she ever even took the time to consider the possibility, the answer was always going to be no. It won’t work.

Because, despite all the awful things I think about, and my actions that I’m unproud of…

I’m dating a man that I love dearly, and still lusting after M.

I’m a Bad Friend, and she deserves better.