Gym & Errands Day

1. I have three hours before my facial so I’m going to use it wisely. Since I don’t have kids or a husband, I can just get up and watch whatever I want on tv and simply leave for the gym without having to get an “ok” from anyone. I say it like this because the outside world thinks it’s pitiful to be a single woman whose almost 40 without a husband and kids…but I’m happy with my lifestyle choices. Just like thanksgiving, everyone felt sad I was all alone and wasn’t around family but I enjoyed it so much that I’m trying to figure out an escape plan for Christmas. A part of me says: get out the country!

I’m trying to work on my body today. I absolutely hate working out but once I start sweating, I feel great. I plan to do the works today if I have time. I want to do the stair stepper for 30 min, then stretch and sauna for another 30 min, then do laps in the pool for 30 min, then finish in the jacuzzi for 10 min…gonna be the longest gym day in history. I’m going to jam to all of my music and listen to all the new beats I received from producers. I have studio in a week to finish up a song called seduction then I need to go over my other songs to give them some final touches.

im still not smoking….still six months to go. I’m cutting out cussing too. To clarify, I do not ever cuss in real life..I just decided to not cuss on here because I can do better. I want to force myself to better describe my feelings in a more intellectual manner.

• I haven’t looked in the mirror yet but I hope my eyes look better. I decided to start putting eye cream on more often and go to sleep with an eye mask on, in order to prevent more wrinkles around my eyes.

today should be a fantastic day. Gym, facial, eyebrows, car wash, grocery store(apple cider vinegar, sugar free apple juice, 4 salads, bone broth in individual packets if possible, 4 sandwiches, 4 chips, 4 boiled eggs in a pack, 8 big water bottles, and turkey lean cuisines bc they are my favorite), then unpack everything at home, get my hair did, then go wash clothes at parents house & sleep over…I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do all of these things but I’m going to try. Then I’m going to church early Sunday morning, go home to steam iron my clothes for the next two weeks then rest until it’s time to go to bed. I never have time to properly clean my apartment. I pray to God I will find the strength soon or come across money to get my palace cleaned…but I much rather pocket the money and clean myself.

writing in this journal has helped me immensely since I quit smoking. I am notice things about myself and it helps me figure out life a bit more.

i need to give myself grace but the way time passes by so quickly it FRIGHTENS ME!!! My birthday seemed like yesterday but I’m almost at the halfway mark soon. I’m 39 in a half. My last year in my thirties. It makes me so sad but grateful for life…but so deeply sad because I’m no where near my goals in life. Instead, I’m getting by each day with faith as big as a mustard seed.

I can only work towards my dreams each day. Like today I’ll be paying $50 bucks to a company that will feature my song on their YouTube channel. I’ll be working on my edits soon and working on a lyric video…I have much to do. I have to go over my songs. I have to be mentally ready when an audition comes in…

When I get a callback, I need to think of where at work I will be able to conduct my zoom meeting. I pray I get the film audition so bad as the high society woman. I want to book a film sooooo bad.

but I cannot focus on what I do not have. Right now, I’m going to focus on the present. Work on my body, get the right nutrition ready for this week, get all of my mail out of the way and put away…do everything to be in the right mindset for the next few months of my life.

I say next few months because my next break won’t be until December 18th. Until then, I’ll be working on my appearance for my next music video. I want it to be spectacular…

Shervy knows very much so how unhappy I am with my financial situation. My dad is too…he’s like: get a different job. But it’s not that easy…besides… I want to finish out the year at this school. I cannot tell you why but something about this job makes me feel like I belong there. Like God knew I was going to be there…he gave me the perfect job. And so what if it takes me an hour and sometimes even two hours to get home, ain’t like I’m paying for the gas…Shervy is.

Shervy may not be a rich boyfriend or sugar daddy but he is the man that helps me with gas and essentials…the only problem is I cannot spend over 50 dollars at a time. So it’s not like I can go off and by everything I want…but I somehow still get everything I want. I come out of pocket for the things I really want…

my facial that I’m getting today is costing $400 for a pack of three…too bad Shervy can’t take care of that for me but he’s just a waiter and since I don’t kiss him, see him everyday or even have sex with him…I can’t expect him to pay for that. I mean, I wish I had a guy who would pay for all those things and not expect anything sexual in return…that would be amazing. That’s called a rich father or a trust fund…I don’t have any of those.

I see all these young girls who gets a car for graduating high school…well I bought my own damn car…cash from my acting jobs. My parents only gave me $5k one time in life when I got into a car accident and they gave me cash for the car I drive now…which was from one of those mom and pop shops. It’s ghetto looking to me. But I’m still gettting my old Chevy cleaned today so I can stop feeling bad whenever I drive in it. And I’m very grateful to even have parent that have $5k to even give!

time passes by so quickly when I’m writing on this app. I’m going to get started with my coffee ritual. I really need to get to the gym. If I can get there by 8am, then that means I can have two full hours to workout before my first appointment. Luckily everywhere I need to be is in one spot…except for my parents, that’s far.

Dear Father, please protect me as I’m driving all over town today. Protect my car from any accident and protect me from any lack mindset. Please let me go through life with expectation and excitement. I want to genuinely feel like You “got me”…like all this time was not for waste. I know You have the master plan for my life. Your plan for my life is better than any other plan I could come up with. Maybe you know I hate being told what to do so You are making me be my own boss, coach and manager. Maybe You have the right “moment” but clearing out the pathway for me so I don’t have to deal with any evil people. Lord, You know all the people I asked for help, You know all the people who can help me, You know all the doors I need to walk through….However, I ask to be READY. I don’t want to go on a show like The Voice where it’s all a game..I want to be taken seriously. I want to be on the cover of Vogue one day! I want to go to the Met Ball! I want to work with people who are so humble and talented. Maybe that’s why you want me to change from my old ways. There’s no way I could be a smoker and be friends with certain people because our lifestyle would be so different. I pray you can take my addiction away completely. I know I’m weak Father when it comes to weed. I don’t know why I love it so much when it does nothing good for me. I was self medicating to avoid remembering, feeling, etc…but now Father you are doing a “new thing” with me now…change is not easy…but I pray you help me succeed in every way. Amen.