Feels like it happened all over again.

The pain of losing David is feeling very fresh and raw lately.  As if its happened only yesterday.. not nearly a year and a half ago.  

I know it has to do with the fact that Morgan and Miranda were here.. and I spent time with them and David’s family this weekend.  There was a party to honor Dave’s life.  A nice bbq thrown as his mom’s house.  

Normally, as life goes on, I can bury the pain and heartache deep inside and try to forget.  My kids are ok 98% of the time.  They can do the same.  As unfair and wrong as it feels, life keeps on moving and we have to keep up.  

However, times like these, when they’ve spent Father’s day making a poster to adorn a grave, and spent time talking about him and visiting a stone in a cemetary instead of giving their dad a hug..  it hurts all over again…   

I can’t understand why he’s gone.  Why he was taken from them so soon. I want to throw a temper tantrum like a child because it hurts so much and i want this to all be able to be fixed and our hearts and lives to feel whole again..  of course it can’t.  I can kick and scream all I want and throw myself on the floor.. and life will just step over me and keep on going, unconcerned with the broken parts of my heart. 

Why do i have to see my children’s hearts break over and over again and be helpless to fix it?  I just don’t get it.  I don’t understand.  

I never will.

The funniest part of the entire situation is that David and I were not very big fans of one other when he passed.  Anyone that was reading my diary about 5 years ago knows what happened and why my marriage ended.  As angry and hurt as I still was by the lies that he told… i really didn’t ever divorce Dave because i didn’t love him..   it was a hell of a lot more complicated than that.  And i was still hurt by it all.  i think i always will be.  

Besides all of that though the world will just never feel quite right without him in it.  A lot of my world view changed and was altered that day.

Funniest thing happened yesterday..  Dave’s best friend forever since middle school gave me a hug and basically was saying he understood why i did what i did throughout the whole divorce situation and what not..  about how young I was, and he couldn’t imagine how i felt when Dave had his episode and I didn’t know what was going because he had "fibbed" (i say lied) to me and to Todd (telling Todd he told me about his bipolar disorder)..  

Anyway, he said that he thinks it’s amazing that i’m still keeping the girls involved with Dave’s family, how awesome he thought it was that I was there, and that he loved me for it, and he knows David would too..   

He also said that he would have understood if i had just moved on with my kids and my new husband and didn’t look back.  that many women would have..  and it’s funny, but the thought has never crossed my mind.  ever.  I think it is so damn important that they have their family.. both my side and their dad’s.. and that they never, ever, ever forget him.  

The thought that they might shatters my heart into a thousand pieces.  I feel fortunate to have known him.  No matter what turmoil and heartache I endured, knowing him was worth it.  Making my babies was of course, worth it.  And honestly, the perspective that I have gained on life through it all, was worth it.

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June 23, 2013

Wow. I saw you on the home page. You say a lot in this entry. My heart goes out to you and your kids.

June 23, 2013

You are in a really tough situation. Can’t even imagine. But you are clearly strong for your kids!

June 26, 2013

I understand “exactly” how you feel. I agree that regardless of the ups and downs in our relationships with them, the kids need those connections to their fathers’ families. It does get a bit easier as more time passes but it never stops feeling strange and sad when you think of it. I have thought of Dan every day since he died – WAY more than when he was still here.