the last days of paradise

Tomorrow is our last day of shooting. We’re ending the six weeks of production with the Olive Garden scene. We couldn’t get clearance from “The Olive Garden” so we’re calling the restaurant “Olivia’s Garden.” But you get the picture. I’ve never had anything other than a completely wretched meal at any Olive Garden anywhere. I gave them three chances to impress me. i will never eat there again. I hate to waste a meal on bad food. I set the scene in an Olive Garden to express in some way the character’s inability to make good choices. Symbolism never works in films but I put it in anyway. Understanding the movie is not contingent on getting the symbolism, it’s just something I throw in for those extra credit freaks who are paying special attention. I did not get to go to the Peaches concert with Michael. It turned out to be S and B’s fault. Michael called S. B forgot to tell S that I wanted to go. So when Michael asked for the names to be in the VIP list I was not mentioned. I give them all an F-. It’s okay though. S and B have been talking more about the possibility of B and I doing the adaptation of Coupland’s latest novel “All Families are Psychotic.” I want that adaptation job!They’re still shooting out in Surrey. Around 9 I decided to head back in with Baby Noodles. I realized, driving through Surrey that this town is Enid Ohio, the fictional town in which I have set my next script, “Runner Up.” It’s a trashy town that is slowly being taken over by city refugees, paving over farm land, putting up Starbucks and mini-mansions. We’re filming in a Surrey mini-mansion. The bathtub in the kid’s room is bigger than my car. You could do laps in it.Our make up guy showed me photos tonight of his trip to the set of “Cry Baby” back in 1989. His friend did the make up for that movie. He and I sit around the monitor trying to out do each other with obscure John Waters references. I think I’ve got him beat because I can quote dialog from “The Diane Linkletter Story” and “Multiple Maniacs.” Still though, he spent a week with John Waters as compared to my paltry four hours.It’s kind of sad because it’s all coming to an end really fast here. In one week I’ll be back in Los Angeles. In two weeks I’ll be back at work at Loser Industries. How am I supposed to go back to scheduling plumbers for those freaks out at tenth street after an experience like this? I’ve got to get cracking on those Runner Up rewrites.Oh they aired the segment on Entertainment Tonight about our movie. It was on last Friday. I did not see it. Our publicist didn’t even bother to tell us that it was on. They do have a partial transcript on their web site. It’s all about Macaulay though. I like the pictures. In the one where he’s in the wheelchair you can see a tiny bit of the Jesus billboard. The scene they came out to shoot for ET was the “Halloween” scene. Macaulay is dressed in his “Rollerskate” outfit. For those of you who might have caught the segment, Mandy was dressed as one of “Charlie’s Angels,” hence the feathered hair and blue eye shadow.We got the latest assembly tape from the editor last night. I watched it and laughed and cried. Nothing makes me more emotional than my own movie. Write one, get it produced, then sit in a hotel room watching a crappy dub on a VCR and you’ll see what I’m talking about. I feel right now like it’s a better movie than the script I wrote. That’s the gestalt of filmmaking: what you wind up with is more than the sum of it’s parts. My favorite moment right now is where Jena, fearing she’s pregnant rides her bike and prays, “please let it be cancer.”I had a strange celebrity breast moment yesterday. I was standing between Jena and Mary Louise by the craft service wagon and we were talking about Mary Louise’s 8,000 wig changes in this movie. She said, “at least they’re not changing out my boobies.” With that she popped her silicone falsie out and handed it to me, still warm. Jena jumped on the band wagon and handed me hers. “Yeah, they’ve been changing mine out as I get more and more pregnant.” So there I was, holding these two warm fake celebrity boobs in my hands. They were like rubbery mice. How am I supposed to go back to Loser now?Oh God, on Ebert and Roper they’re talking about the video release of “Y Tu Mama Tambien.” What a nightmare! I’m forced to relive the hotel filth of that movie, right this instant. I needed antibiotics to watch that movie!Top five:

1. Hey, an eight week vacation… that’s better than what they get in France, even.
2. Fake boobies.
3. My grand plans for my return to LA.
4. “Are mama’s little babies hungry? Well mama is…”
5. Noodles buried in the blankets.