Am I That Transparent?

Ok – So I figured a few things out. I grew up a bit and became a bit more lonely. I’m at Calvin – blah blah blah. There’s nothing to do here until tomorrow and I’ve already spent two days doing basically nothing. But think…..

I’m not so upset that Tim broke up with me. In a way it is what I wanted. I did’t want either of us to be tied down. But when we were in that coffee shop and walking around campus there was something… someway he was acting that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. And when I asked him and cornered him he broke up with me. He was acting like he didn’t love me or care about me anymore. He wasn’t like “You are still important to me”, it was just “Not your boyfriend. Deal.” He seemed like he didn’t care. And thats why I’m crying at night. He was suppose to love me. Ok- I’ll admit, at least here. I still love Manny, and I know that there is a part of his heart that will always be mine. But he understands that we, as a couple, will not work. At least not right now. Tim was acting like he really didn’t care how I felt or what I was going through. He was acting like he just no longer loved me. Like its a switch he turned off or something. And there we go. Thats what pisses me off and stops hurting. I didn’t want to ever start to open that switch inside of me. I didn’t really want to start loving him. I just wanted to be. And slowly and patiently and lovingly, he opened my heart and turned on the switch. And then he pretends like I am NOTHING to him. Just another friend from his home town. Is that what it is? Is he that smooth and slick? I don’t know the answer to that, but if someone does, please tell me. I need to know. I need to find out what happened between Thursday night and Monday night. I need to know if the Tim I know is still in there somewhere. I need him back. I need him…..

Ok-sniffle break. I just reread what I wrote and I want to clarify something for myself. I don’t need him to be what he once was. I don’t need us to be together, but I need to know that I wasn’t played for a fool and that he wasn’t lying to me. I understand that we probably won’t last through college. But was I that easy to get? Was I just a last school fling for him or what? Am I that transparent? OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!