September 14, 2002

Fade

OK – so in 6th grade I watched all my friends begin that whole dating scene and I couldn’t wait until someone asked me out. And then I watched as they broke up and started dating someone new and messing up friendships and relationships. And I know this is only 6th grade, but I didn’t want to go through that whole ordeal of getting hurt and hurting others. So I decided I wouldn’t date until I was ready to start looking for Mr. Right as in marriage. And I would just be friends with the guys. Yes, I have had the occasionally crush on the guys and even told some of them. But it never went very far. And I liked it that way. I could still be a girl, but not letting guys control my whole life. And in high school, I watched my friends get involved and let that whole relationship control them and how they acted and felt. And they let the other person have control of their happiness. I’ve seen too many movies and known too many people to see the good in that. There are some good things in letting the other person have an affect on you, but there is an extreme. And this made me decide that I wouldn’t let a guy do that to me. I wouldn’t let him have complete control over my life, how I felt and acted. I wasn’t going to fall to pieces for months after we broke up and let it ruin my life. And I’ve always counseled my friends to do the same. Screw the guy, lets go have fun. Now there is a time for mourning the loss of the relationship, but there is a point when it should be over. So there you go. That was basically my idea of dating in high school. And until Tim a.k.a. dorkface came along I was doing pretty ok. Yah I had dated, but he wasn’t controling and I actually didn’t really love him. Which was ok and we broke up and are still friends. But Tim, he was different. He was amazing and picked and pulled slowly and gently and wormed his dorky little way into my heart. And I finally caved in and just loved him back.
Ok – but then we went off to college and what are we suppose to do? Well, we decided that we didn’t want to be tied to each other especially at such long distances. So we made the agreement we would keep in touch, but not be together.
Well, the little bastard went and broke my heart. After I warned him not to. I went to visit (on his invitation) and he stomped all over my heart and rejected me and didn’t really act like he wanted me there. And he didn’t give me a way to contact him and keep in touch with him. But I was really too mad to care at that point. And now I’m hurting and I want to talk to him. And I hate him for doing this to me. I fell for him. Hard. And he broke my heart. And now I can’t even watch sappy chick flicks without thinking about him.

I try to breathe
Memories overtaking me
I try to face them but
The thought is too much to conceive

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
that my life became ’cause

I just needed someone to talk to
You were just to busy with yourself
You were never there for me
To express how I felt
I just stuffed it down
Now I’m older and I feel like
I could let some of this anger fade
But it seems the surface I am scratching
Is the bed that I have made

So where were you?
When all this I was going through
You never took the time
To ask me just what you could do

I only know that I can change
Everything else just stays the same
So now I step out of the darkness
that my life became ’cause

I never meant to fade…
Away

I NEVER MEANT TO FADE

I try to breathe…
– FADE Staind