Some things never change

There are some things that never do change. Boy, do I know what that means. I got to talk to Brian today. He was talking to Ellie, so I had to stay up and wait till he was done talking to her. I called yesterday but he was yet again talking to Ellie. Big surprise. I’m starting to feel jealous. Lol – funny feeling for me to feel over him, but whatever. I’m glad to discover the tone I heard in his voice over Ellie was merely missing her terribly not hurting like me. And its getting better. I mean, I’m still hurting, but each day something else happens and I think less and less bout him. I met this girl he knew from youth group, Casey (sp?). She’s Chris Hanchett’s girlfriend. But we were all hanging out in Laura’s room. Listening to her and Kevin play guitar, Jeez he’s good!! But he left and Casey came around and so did a bunch of people from 3rd Rooks. And we were doing the “Where you from?” thing and she mentioned that she knew my boyfriend. And I said “Ex-boyfriend.” And the room got really quiet, like no one really knew what to say exactly. And then someone said something, don’t know what and it was over. But that moment was horrible. I felt like I wanted to sing and scream and dance and cry. Anything to make it end. And I sat there busily be miserable, but pulled out and was back in the conversation. I went over and sat by Casey and I told her quietly about what happened between me and Tim and she was surprised. She has her boyfriend and he’s here, which she said she doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. I know what she means. And the whole thing with me and Tim wouldn’t be so horrible if I knew that he still cared and loved me. I know that Manny still does and I know Brian does in their own way and that’s enough. And Feather and Ali and everyone else. And its their love that helps me to keep going each hour. But I don’t know about his love. Its not definite, its unconfirmed. And this happens to be a time when loving him isn’t just enough. You lean and you are leaned upon. Right now I need his love to lean on even if we aren’t officially “going out.” Is it that now that we are no longer a couple, he can no longer love me and I can no longer love him? That’s what it feels like and I think that’s bull. But what do I know? Obviously not enough to know that he is probably over me and its done and he has a million girls thinking what a nice guy, and pretty good-looking too. I feel like I’m never gonna find HIM in this vast sea of people. And maybe I won’t. Ok – I don’t want to think about that. I know God has the PERFECT GUY out there somewhere for me. Its just a matter of will God share me with him. And will God share him with me. For He is a jealous God and wants all our love and life. And He knows the inner most desires of my heart and soul. For He knows me inside and out. GOD – I MISS MANNY AND BRIAN. Manny knows me all too well and his email showed me that. And the conversation with Brian showed that too. They really do care and love me. But they are not here. I had no idea what a hug can do for a person. That’s all I really want right now. Is a hug from Manny or Tim or Ali or even Brian. I really want a hug from a familiar face from good ole’ Wapp. But I’m getting to the point where a hug from anyone would be ok.