Answers to Interview questions

My friend Fresh_Hell offered this to readers, and I responded, so I make the offer to you too, dear readers.

 

Here are the rules:
1 — Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2 — I will respond; I’ll ask you five questions.
3 — You’ll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 — You’ll include this explanation.
5 — You’ll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

 

Okay, and here are the questions Fresh_Hell asked me, and my responses.  Sorry they’re such long answers…. I was in a verbose mood today.

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1) How do you feel about transfolk who don’t pass? Does it matter how hard they try? Is it sad? How do you think passing effects the politics of being transgender – regarding both legislation and the way we explain ourselves to others?  That is, the issue of whether someone "passes" – does it… I’m not sure what I’m asking. Answer whatever you think I’m asking.
How do I feel about transfolk who don’t pass.  I guess this is really about MtF’s that don’t pass.  FtMs just don’t seem to set off folks’ alarms as much as a 6 foot 6, 250 lb person shaped like a linebacker and wearing a dress.  I feel very grateful that I’m average height (5’7”), not too big (135, 140 lbs), and have never been really hairy.  
How do I feel when I see folks like that?  That’s a complicated question.  I have to answer that on a social level, and on a personal level.
On a social level, I think that having folks who don’t quite pass, but continue to function successfully in society is what society needs in order to come to the realization that we’re here and we’re not scary.  I mean, what would folks think of saying “oh, yes, let’s have racial equality, but all asian folks have to either put on makeup so that they look either Caucasian or African-American”.  There has always been a strong social push for us to “conform” – to successfully pass and blend in and essentially “disappear” into our new gender.  Trans folk have done that for years.  Not all, obviously, and I would suspect that those that couldn’t had tragic sad lives trying to live up to standards that were impossible for them.  However, it’s had the effect that society hasn’t learned to deal with us.  So, at one aspect, if someone is out and about and doesn’t quite pass, I have no problem with that, and in one sense, I think that that is good for other folks to see and get used to.
On a personal level, and I’ve actually had this conversation with several other MtFs, several of which don’t have my physical advantages, I’ve come to this opinion.  One, the attitude of the trans person is of critical importance.  One has to have confidence, be secure in oneself, and be out and about not really worrying whether you’re passing or not.  Go out there with expectations that you’ll be treated politely.  Period.  Reframe the conversation from “am I passing?” to “I expect you to treat me with good manners”.  
Is this going to always work?  No, I figure not.  I also realize that we live in a progressive part of the country – the northern Virginia suburbs of Washington DC – we’re the non “real Virginia” if you listened to the Republican speeches during the campaign.  Arlington county in VA and at least one or two counties in suburban Maryland have county ordinances prohibiting gender discrimination.  There was a big lawsuit in Montgomery county trying to ban trans folk from women’s restrooms – it failed on legal issues in higher courts there.  So I feel pretty safe going into just about any medium to upscale restaurant, or a Starbuck’s, or a Border’s, and shopping as I see fit.  Again, tho, that’s me, and I realize my phys

ical attributes are an advantage here, and not all the T folk in our local group can be that comfortable.
But the point I really want to make is how I feel when I see someone else suffering under unrealistic goals and expectations for themselves.  I have good friends who really wish they could transition, but they’re heartbroken because they’ll never look like they want to look.  I really feel for them, because they’re suffering.  I can get all Buddhist on you – yes, their suffering is their own creation (as it is with all of us they say), nonetheless, I do wish someone had a magic wand and could make them happier.  
That was a very long answer.

2)Have you ever had to straighten someone out regarding "Autogynephilia"? What do you tell them? What works?
Uh, no, actually.  It’s a pretty obscure topic, even in conversation with other T folk, at least in our crowd, and we get pretty esoteric and philosophical at times.  I’ve never had a therapist challenge me with it, my current therapist doesn’t really put much stock in it, and so, no, basically, I don’t think many of us in this circle really give a shit one way or the other about the theory – uh, excuse me, hypothesis.  It doesn’t get theory status till it’s been proven and accepted, and it’s far from that.  For those of you who don’t know what autogynephilia is, let’s say it’s the idea that some guys want to be girls because they’re so in love with femininity that they want to become what they love.  It has spawned some of the nastiest back and forth that I’ve ever seen, so you can check out some stuff here and here.  
Frankly, dear, I don’t give a damn.  I’ve decided that, origins of the phenomenon be damned, the point is, how do you choose to live your life from now on, and how can you live your life in the best way possible, being of service to yourself and to others?  It’s like in golf, you can argue forever about what happened to put your golf ball in the rough instead of the middle of the fairway, whether it was your swing, your feet, your club selection, and that’s not really relevant to the question, “okay, how can you hit the best shot possible from where you are now?”

Short answer:  the topic never comes up in our circles.  

3) Have you ever – you don’t have to answer this one, because it is a painful question – have you ever encountered problems in the restroom?  How should one handle such a situation? (your answer would help me a great deal)
Well, yeah, there was this time when the stall was out of toilet paper, and I …  oh, you don’t mean those sorts of problems, do you?
Ahem.  Well, as I said above, we live in a pretty progressive area of the country.  I haven’t had problems yet.  Although there was a really small restroom at a restaurant we frequent, and the young lady in there had a weird look on her face, but was still pleasant.
As I said, I’m probably biased because of certain physical traits.  I’ll share a story that will give you an idea.  Several months ago, I went to a meeting at another company’s office, where security is tight.  So, nobody could go to any restroom without an escort, because we didn’t work for this company, and the restrooms were inside their office area.  So, I just asked this young male guard if I could go to the restroom (I used exactly that word).  He says sure, and then asks the female guard where the restroom is (yeah, I thought that was weird too, since he works there – just wait).  So she tells him, and he takes off with me following.  We wind thru these hallways, and we’re passing a men’s room on the way to the stairs (the young lady’s response involved going up one floor).  I say “great”, and start to dive into the men’s room, and the guard says “uh, that’s the men’s room”, and I responded “it’ll do” and went in, leaving him to “guard” the door.
Now, I was dressed in slacks, shirt, and vest, although my hair was in a ponytail and I have one earring.  It took me awhile to realize he was leading me to the women’s restroom (which is why he had to ask where it was), so he was pretty blown away that this middle-aged woman in drag would dive into the men’s room.
If I were to have problems, just be polite, smile, don’t act out of place, finish your business and return to your friends outside.  Also, remember that women go potty in packs – guys head off solo, women make mass trips.  There’s safety in numbers, bring a friend.
In summary, I may not be the best person to ask for advice, cause I haven’t had real problems yet.  Maybe the best I can say is, try to act confident, like you belong there, and exit promptly.

4) For how long have you kept your eye on trans-issues, and what has changed over the years? What would someone my age never imagine, say, 27 years ago… I have a clinic two towns over, my therapist doesn’t think I’m schizo, etc. But I can’t imagine… I don’t know. How a young trans would have felt, in the sixties,the seventies… especially one who wasn’t "out" yet.
Oh, jeez, I guess I’ve been watching trans things since I was about 16 or 17, and that was around 1970 or so.  Seriously, there was no internet, no email, no books, just an occasional article in a national magazine – the first one I ever saw was about some artist who was mtf, they didn’t  use those terms back then.  That was when I first realize there were others like me and OMG there were doctors who could do something about it.  
I went to college in Houston (not U of H) from ’72 thru ’81.  The gay community wasn’t far away from campus, and there were lots of stories of folks being found dead in fields out of town, shot.  Trans-folk, usually hung out in gay bars, got picked up by someone who thought they were really a chick, and just shot them when they weren’t.  Folks got beat up.  Stories on the national news of trans folk getting murdered.  Back then, being gay was life threatening, being trans was a perversion on top of that, well beyond.  The gay guys were flamboyant, promiscuous – all this was pre-AIDS as well, mind you. The only trans folk were the she-males in porn magazines.  
Renee Richards came out and wrote a book, that broke a lot of ice. She was a doctor – hey, one could be trans and have a real job and not be forced into porn.  
There was no way to find a therapist experienced in this stuff – the first one I tried was a miserable failure.  After a year and a half, she tried to convince me that surgery was “mutilation” – yes, that’s the word she used exactly.  I quit going.  It took me another 12 years to actually find