Consumed

I usually use Microsoft Word to type up my entries and then transport them into OD but since this site has been upgraded, I thought I’d bust out an entry directly on here.  I’ll probably go back to Word later on, especially because I usually just type out a thought or idea or line of poetry and then save it until I can come back to it later and work on it some more.  It wouldn’t be very practical to do that here.  Although I do like the new save feature.  

Anyway.

I’ve been a horrible ODer.  I’m sorry and I will get to all of you eventually.  I just haven’t had the time or energy and really I don’t have the time or energy to type this but it’s been so long that I’ve written that I feel like I’m gonna bust if i don’t write something.  And I have so much to talk about but I am too frazzled to organize my thoughts very well. 

Senior Project has been the most daunting task I’ve ever had here.  I don’t think I made matters any easier by waiting until midterms to get started and then deciding to color the whole thing twice.  Yeah, I’m dumb but I was going for a style that required layering.  Unfortunately, I didn’t achieve the desired results but I’m stuck with what I’ve done.  It’s certainly too late to go back now.  I’ve been doing nothing but going to class, coming back to my room to eat or sleep, and then coloring with the rest of my time.  I have a two minute film to color, frame by frame, ‘yall!  That takes a long time.  I feel like I’m living in squalor.  I haven’t had much time to clean my room or even tidy it up a little bit.  And then when I do, I can’t maintain it.  It’ll stay decent looking for a day and then it’s clothes everywhere and empty chip bags and plastic bottles littering my desk.  I can’t stand it but I’m too tired to do anything about it.

It’s unfortunate that I’m not happier with my film than I am.  It’s just that I can see how crappy the animation is.  While I’m coloring I’m going back and looking at my frames and they are so bad.  This is good and bad.  It’s bad because, well, my animation sucks hard.  It’s good because I feel like I’ve grown enough as an animator to know when animation looks bad.  And I feel like I could do better if I had another shot at it.  Unfortunately, I don’t.  This is my last hurrah here.  I also try to think about the fact that I’ve only been animating around a year here.  It’s sad that most of my classes have been stupid foundation courses or something that didn’t have much to do with my major…so I haven’t had as much practice as I should have.  Plus, most of my professors have been totally awful.  I guess when you think about those two things, my skills aren’t too terrible.  I suppose it’ll just take continued practice, which is going to be hard because when I graduate, all those animation materials won’t be available to me anymore and they are much too expensive for me to be able to afford on my own.

I think about that and it makes me sad.  I might not be animating any more after I graduate.

Oh yeah, there’s the possibility of getting a job but I’m almost certain I won’t.  The only chance I have of continuing animation is to do it on my own. I just don’t have the means to do that right now.  

But what does that say about me that I’m sad I won’t get to animate anymore?  Does that mean I really do like animation?  I can see myself missing it.  I’m pretty confused.  I thought I hated animation but now I’m not so sure.  Now that I’m doing my own project and expressing myself in my own way through my own animation that I created entirely on my own…it feels good.  And I feel like there’s so much potential there, so many more ideas to explore.  I don’t know.  I guess I’ll just have to see what the future holds for me.  Right now I just have to worry about finishing.  If it turns out well enough, I’ll post my film here for you all to see.  Just promise you won’t laugh too hard.  I’m very sensitive.