The Caterpillar
"Was I before a man who dreamt about being a butterfly, or am I now a butterfly who dreams about being a man?"
-Taoist philosopher Zhuangzi after waking up from dreaming about being a butterfly
After my incident with the photographer, I was sitting there writing when all of a sudden, I felt something land on my neck. Thinking it was some tree debris, I instinctively grabbed it and flung it on the ground. Rubbing the goose bumps off of my neck, I looked down to see a furry caterpillar crawling across the grass. Is that what landed on my neck? That dude must have made a brave dive to reach me from the large tree I was sitting under. I felt bad right away, hoping I didn’t hurt it by grabbing it and throwing it on the ground. He seemed to be fine, though, ‘cause he was working his way through the blades of green. Relieved that he was okay, I went back to my writing.
A few minutes later, I looked down to check up on the little guy when I noticed he was nowhere in sight. Now, I know he was scooting along and I hadn’t seen him in a while but I hadn’t taken my eyes off of him for that long. He should have been somewhere around. Did he happen to hitch a ride on the pant leg of a passerby? Surely he wasn’t picked up by the rubber sole of someone’s shoe. At least I hoped not. I was resting my journal on my left knee which was propped over my right knee and it was getting a little numb so I switched knees and what did I find but the caterpillar. Seems he had made his way back to me and had crawled up my leg to my knee. I bent down and grabbed a large, stiff leaf from the ground. I scooped up the caterpillar in the leaf and gently laid it down on the ground. He crawled off of the leaf and then I went back to my writing. But I was intrigued. I kept a watch on the little guy (or girl, who knows).
With each glance, he (or she, but for the sake of me having to write out the possible sex, let’s refer to it as a he) inched closer and closer to my shoe. Interesting. Seems like the little guy was trying to get to me. Just to make sure I was correct, I placed my foot on the other side of him. Sure enough, he did a U-turn and went for my foot again. I did this back and forth foot motion once or twice more, not because I was taunting the little critter, but because I was intrigued and wanted to make sure he really was trying to climb up my leg. I guessed that maybe he instinctually looked for the tallest thing within his range of vision once he fell, saw me, thought I was a tree, and wanted to climb up me so he could go about his caterpillar duties.
I certainly didn’t want him on me but I felt bad about his fall. Maybe the wind blew him off his path. From the ground to a tree is definitely a long journey and I felt bad for him so I took that same leaf and scooped him up again. I went up to the tree and held it against the bark. He scooted on over to the tree and started trucking it up the trunk. I felt good thinking I had helped him out in some way. And I thought about him for some time after. I wondered if he made it to his destination. I hoped I in some way helped him get to where he needed to go. Maybe with my help, he’ll one day be able to turn into a beautiful butterfly.
Just as i hopefully helped out the caterpillar, I can’t help but to want someone to extend that same helping hand to me. I’m getting ready to make a big change of my own. I’m about to emerge from my own cocoon called school. I’ll be graduating in seven weeks and there’s a large part of me that is excited beyond words but most of me is scared to death. I need some reassurance. I need to know someone’s got my back and will give me a little leaf boost as I embark on my own tree trunk called life.
Wow, that was cheesy. But it’s how I feel. It’s all about the cycles of life and those that cycle in and out of them to help us along our way. It’s about the smallest of efforts that create the biggest of changes. It’s how acts of kindness can transform people (and pupae). It’s how a bad situation can be quelled by a few kind words. It’s how a smile can instantly change a mood. It’s a compliment that makes your day. It’s the butterfly effect. And that’s what I need in my life right now. I just want someone who’ll be there for me when I spread my wings for the first time. I need to know they will catch me when I fly and fumble to the ground. I need to know they’ll encourage me to continue because no one gets it right the first time. I need to know that it won’t always be like this, that someday everything will change for the better, that I won’t be stuck in this body or this brain for the rest of my days. I need a transformation and someone to help make that happen.