Too angry inside well so am I…

"And she cries, but her man denies,
It’s funny how love comes with so many lies,
He said he’d never do it again,
So she puts on a smile and starts to pretend,
And she hides all the pain inside,
While filling up her arms with pretty little lines,
She cuts with no intent to kill,
This time she didn’t do it,
But someday she will…"
 

That is lyrics to the song Beautiful by P.O.D.

It’s become my new favorite song at the moment. It’s absolutely amazing,

Kind of like John. His words. The things he says. He truly has the heart of a great poet. It’s beautiful… He takes my breath away every single second. I love him. I love all of him. I always have. I never stopped. I never will.

Not so sure what will be happening this weekend. Though I am certain I’m going to my tattoo appointment on Saturday. I’m not sure if I’m seeing John however. Tori didn’t realize it was father’s day weekend haha. So she’s going to be busy all weekend so our plan to have a fire and sleepover Saturday with John isn’t going to happen. Nor is tubing Sunday. Which I suppose is kind of a plus. I can’t really wear a regular swim suit at the moment.

He said he would find out about me staying at his house. Which honestly makes me nervous. I have met ONE of the people that live there haha. I don’t know what I’m gonna do… I don’t like meeting new people. I’m sure he can recall from all the times that I was around Bobby and Tiff. Or when I went with him for Thanksgiving and met all kinds of people from his family… I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Even thinking about meeting all of these people makes it hard to breathe. I have a bit of an anxiety attack when I’m around new people. It’s fucking weird… BUT, I would go through so much more just to spend a little bit of time with him… I miss him.

Hah. Jc has a new girlfriend. Isn’t that funny? Her name is Katie. And the saddest part is? I knew he was fucking talking to her. I KNEW I should have thought something was up. Guess that just shows how naive I am when it comes to thinking I can trust someone with everything that I am. I feel so stupid. So that kind of fucked me up last night.

Good news is, one of my best guy friends from school might come with me Saturday when I get work done. Jesse was literally my BEST FRIEND my senior year of high school. I can’t even begin to remember the number of times he just held me there when I would break down completely. I haven’t seen him since we graduated last year, and I miss the ever loving fuck outta him. Jc hated him. Imagine that. So I couldn’t talk to him. Now? Now I’m fuckin free. And I plan on enjoying ever second of freedom that I have to do what I want 🙂

Of course my heart is John’s though, so I’m not going to be doing shit with a single soul other than him. He’s all I want or need. Ever.

Tomorrow’s finally Friday. I am so fucking happy. Like. We’re going swimming for a field trip, which kind of sucks really bad since I’m so white I’m going to burn like a mother fucker. I’ll just become one with a clan of lobsters >:D Muahahahahahahaha… God I have problems… What the hell does John see in me haha.

Well. I suppose that is all for now. I’m going to go. Possibly do some workouts. Or take a nap. I’ve kind of been lagging on my workouts, and since I can feel the muscle under my layer of tummy flab finally, I really want to keep up on it…

<3CaseyRenee<3