Third day of Lent

It’s 11:32. I have had a leisurely morning with my husband. He got up around 5 and watched tv and had c0ffee. At about 7, he came to the bedroom door to see if I was awake and offered me coffee. He must have decided to stop rejecting me and try again. I don’t trust it because all it will take is one wrong word or gesture misconstrued and he will start “protecting himself” again, through withdrawing, coldness, shaming me, etc. And then gaslight me when I call him on it. But it was a nice morning, and I enjoyed it. Just not counting on it.  But I do know he is sincerely trying, it’s just he needs to stop demanding perfection. Lately I have borrowed a phrase from a friend, “progress not perfection”, and saying it a lot for myself, and to my husband. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have a husband, but not a partner, and he will never be a partner. I have to be in charge of my home for it to run with some semblance of order and not the chaos that he creates by not having my back and treating me like the enemy that must be conquered. I can work on us having a pleasant life together, but I think we need to go back to couples counseling eventually and learn how to communicate effectively, and to stop demanding perfection from each other. Progress not perfection.

Breakfast this morning was avocado toast on Ezekiel bread with a banana and citrus fruit. Last night I ended up making a rice and bean dish with a Mexican flair…and I cooked up some corn tortillas to eat with it. It stuck to the rules of Mediterranean Diet, and tasted good, too. I need to learn to make my own tortillas, though. I also am looking around for some sourdough starter, something that has been around a long while and see if I can buy some and play with making sourdough bread, but not yet…that is down the road….

My youngest is moving into a new house with friends. He is kind of sad. He was hoping to be with a new job and new apartment where he gets to live by himself. Ah well. Life.

I’m not sure what my day looks like. I have a few things I need to do. I move so slowly these days. My body is in pain all the time and I am so weak. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Keeping on keeping on….

That’s it. Namaste and abbagooday.