Chaosbride

November 16, 2009

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Hormonal crazy talk ahead: Proceed with caution!

Weird ass hormones!

I’m eating lunch and I’m thinking about my children and I now have this overwhelming and almost painful urge to see them and hug them and kiss them and love all over them. I wish i wasn’t so tired and irritated in the evenings… enough to let my kids be around me while I’m trying to unwind. So often I just want them to go off and do their own thing for the most part because I feel so stretched thin.

But right now I feel like I"m losing something with them and it’s really bothering me.

I want my boys right NOW!!!!!

heh.

They are getting so big and for so long I was all they had… I want them to look back on their childhood and know that their Mommy loved them so much it was without measure.

I have wanted to take Jonathon aside and let him know how much he was wanted. How I chose him over everything in the world because I loved him the moment I knew he was there.

But when I think about doing it… my stupid ass gets SCARED.

Why am I scared to talk to my own kid?

I don’t know.

right now I just feel in terrible distress.

I want my babies with me.

I think about my Jacob. He is such a little lover. He likes to hug and snuggle and wants to just be near me all the time. I don’t know how to … balance that so that he can be independent and happy and yet still know that he is loved.

I have been trying to establish "grown up" boundaries in the house since the dynamic has changed with Baboo around.

My kids always want to get on my bed and such because that is where I spend a lot of my downtime… one of the reasons I wish my livingroomw as more cozy so that I’d go in there more. When it was just us, there were lots of times when they’d jsut come and chill on my bed, play on my bed, sleep with me on my bed… But that can’t really be the case now. My bed is now Baboo’s bed. And it’s a place that is… somewhat sacred to US and what we have…

But for now I really hate being anywhere but in my room, so that’s where my kids spend time with me. Anyway, growing up I wouldn’t have DREAMED of climbing on my parents bed. Heck, going into their room feels weird and misplaced even now! I was given really firm boundaries for that sort of thing.

I don’t want my children to feel that exact same level of terror at entering my space, but I want them to know that they can’t treat my space as a free for all.

We’ve been doing lots of family things. This upcoming weekend we are going to a "childrens day" at this park… I don’t even know what it is but I guess Jon showed Baboo a flyer this morning and he wants to go.

So we’ll go.

Baboo has been utterly amazing with looking up family things. He found this cooking class free tasting whatever family thing for families that is in the afternoon… so I guess we are going to do that as well.

I feel like going to do these things is making amazing progress at unifying my crazy little family.

but I still feel like after it’s all over and I go back to my mommy cave that I need to find a way to share that space with them.

There is a corner in our room that could serve as a sort of "sitting area’… if we ever cleaned it up! lol. I had visions of setting it up so that they could come into the room ane watch tv with us and hang out when it was appropriate, but it just hasn’t been done yet.

whatever.

i’m rambling with my crazy mommy loopy talk.

we didn’t look at any board games last night.

I hope we do soon.

that is another way to unify and spend time.

stupid precious time.

stupid precious fleeting going way too fast for me to comprehend time.

I want my children to know that they have a safe warm secure place. ~~(iwanttostopcrying)~~

and that when I do get pregnant that it means even more joy for their lives and a complete unification of what Baboo and I have.

I don’t know why i’m still writing.

I guess these things are just piling up in my mind and they needed to come out.

I love what my family is becoming… but I guess I just feel like I’m not good enough to really make it work properly.

i need to quit that.

god I love my kids.

I’m giving them lots of hugs tonight.

and baboo too. I miss him crazily today. I did yesterday too.

when I got home I couldn’t wait to fall into his arms.

I love him.

and my kids.

ugh!

HORMONES!

jesus.

anyway, back to the work trenches I go!

I understood/understand exactly how you feel!

i love this entry, you’re so cute! it’s AWESOME that baboo is finding family things to do, that’s so exciting!

OH! you know what’s interesting? i think i remember reading somewhere that hormones are stored in your fat cells, so when you lose weight the hormones are released making you extra hormonally!!!! ok. so, maybe i was playing it a little fast and loose with the word “interesting”.

Night Owl

November 17, 2009

That’s good that you want to focus on family quality time and that Baboo is making an effort to find fun things for you to do. You had lots of love for the kids even before Baboo. That hasn’t changed. But it must be easier to have the support from Baboo. I think it’s important for young males to have role models. It sounds as though the boys really look up to Baboo. Boundaries are important.

Setting up a family space other than the bedroom sounds good. You probably do this already but the boys knocking before they go into your bedroom is a good boundary. It would be so embarassing if at some point they walked in and caught you & Baboo at sex cardio.

I’m sure you are good enough to make it work properly 🙂 I haven’t read you for long, how old are your children?

Earthymamawitch

I can SO relate to all of this. I have the same issues with my kids. Even the not always being able to talk to them. How old are yours again?

and we have a knocking rule before they come into our bedroom as well.

babyontha1

I was thinking sort of the same thing about my kids. I do spend time with them, but its mostly on the weekends. Through out the week I am like you said, tired and want to send them to do their own thing and let me wind down. I was thinking yesterday I want them to come spend time in my room this evening and hang out with me.

KPinK

I know exactly how u feel. My kids were torn wen D & I split & then I moved Stacy in & they were separated from me & it hurt. & now that both of them are gone, both my boys & my 10 yr old all sleep in my bed and spend every night there. I dont know how “unhealthy” it is, but I love it & need it. Eventually they are gonna have to get out, but how when? 🙁 Phases of life stink sometimes.

Beautiful406

This is sweet. I know what you are feeling because I feel it with Jake alot too. I wish he would cuddle with me more, but he is still young and wanting to explore so he runs away. But I’ve made an effort to play with him more and make him laugh. I always want to him laugh.

Valyn Reflective

You are absolutely good enough!

Without Wings

You know some of my best memories for when I was a kid was when we did “Floor Night”. My father worked two jobs and was never home but once a night all 6 of us would lay on our backs on our living room floor and just talk. We always had family dinners too. You can take the idea that was your bed and move it somewhere else.

A stronger woman

i think it’s important to talk to kids and let them know they are loved. Once they hit 8 & 9, it goes by so quickly. My daughter is growing up so fast, and by age 10, most kids dont want to be seen with parents or be told “i love you” in public by a parent. I always come home each nightand try to do something with her until bed time, then “ME” times comes once she is bed (i.e. tv, playing sims, etc…)

Bees of my knees

Ah yes, hormones. A special kind of crazy. Usually the nesting/loving/cuddling kind. The best kind. *sigh* ryn: oh yeah, we were COMPLETELY having high school makeout sessions. I might be 42 on the outside, but I’m 16 on the inside. And psssst… He totally made me switch on my baby brain. Uh oh. Ungood. 😉

four.leaf.clover

Aw you guys are such a cute happy family. I’m so glad that Baboo is taking initiative and stepping up to the responsibility!! **Squee**

-Blue

I feel exactly like this sometimes. :o) all of it. xoxoxoxo

RYN on Raebirds entry: I call you beautiful all the time! Now wipe that face off your head, bitch! Love you! :o)

Call me whatever you like!!

im so happy for you that your little crazy family is molding itself into the real deal :)yay

Belle Dame

November 18, 2009

Listening to how you think hon we can all see what a great mum you are :-0) It must be scary though – * Hugs

aussie_powers

it is nice talk!

...sarah

I used to get those feelings when I was at work away from my kids. I would just want to be with them so bad sometimes. You and Baboo have come a long way. It’s awesome to read!

M.C.

🙂 Yes…the hormones can get a little crazy, and make ya feel all sorts of things! (I’ve been kinda feeling that way, since yesterday and today.) It just adds sensitivity to the things you’re already feeling.) And, I know what you mean, about, what you’re feeling for Baboo, and your kids, and wanting to make your family with him all the more unified and complete!

I want to be married to Phillip, and have our child soon!) I just want it all, and don’t want anything to take that away from me/(us), too soon! I want to have decent timing, and not have the possibility of anything looming over our heads, so we won’t be able to do that! (Illnesses that lead to death), that sort of thing! So yeah…I know where you’re coming from!