I’m a pedigreed girlfriend thrown in the trash

Hm.

So… I have a question for the gods or whoever the hell is up there pushing the buttons that say “Torture Monique Now! do it again! do it again! she deserves nothing less than HELL ON FUCKING WHEEEEEEEEEEEELS!!!! MUUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *COUGH HACK COUGH* MUAHAHAH!”

I mean. seriously.

Let me tell you why I think there is some evil plot against my life by the supernatural. Let me tell you why there must be SOMETHING SOMEWHERE that is against me being remotely content. Let me tell you why I call myself the Chaosbride and why “he” is continuously fucking up my existence and making me want to drive my car over a cliff. Chaos is seriously jealous right now and is bound and determined to make me a total and complete nutbag complete with almonds, walnuts, pecans, AND cashews.

My marriage…. is stupid right now. I want to first say that it’s not doomed or over or a total waste of my life, but right now… it’s simply stupid and it’s pretty fucking pointless for me to be wearing a wedding ring and calling myself a wife and saying that I have a husband. It’s like saying “I’m a fairy, with wings, and a pretty little house in the middle of a buttercup in fairyland.”

It’s not real right now. At least not off  the “legal documentation”. I feel like a glorified girlfriend with papers.  A pedigree girlfriend. (har har) But even then, I”m a two bit half assed girlfriend who is obviously not good. I am getting treated like i’m a big ole bitchy nag who brings him down and is a constant source of grief in his life. Like I’m not a good woman, not strong, not deserving on the basic respect extended to people that you care about. I’m not getting loved and cherished. I’m not getting put above all others. This relationship is like some secondary thought to him right now. He’s still set in his “I”m a single man and I do everything myself and for myself and blah blah blah MYSELF”

It goes like this…. Carlos is having serious car issues. He can’t even think of coming to visit us, it seems, because when he does, his car breaks down. I’m holding back from totally calling this a bunch of shit. But it’s difficult. Yesterday I called him right as he was about to get off work, with the intent of proposing a little plan. I got off early last night and I was going to go pick him up and he’d come home with me. After spending the morning with us, I’d take him back to work with me, he would be able to use my car for the little errands and things he might need to do, and then i’d take him home or wherever he wanted during my lunchbreak. I seriously wanted to see him and allow his son to see his father… it’s been over a week now and I don’t like having a peek a boo father around. It’s just not healthy right now. My sons are so small it’s not good to have this inconsistent crap all the time.  (sidenote: while talking to him, i heard the distinct beeping/bell sound that HIS CAR makes when he gets inside of it. I didn’t make a comment, he claimed he was getting in the car of someone driving him home. But that beep sounded a lot like his car and a sinking feeling tells me that his car is fine… but… I’m not going there. I have to trust that he isn’t being that much of a total asshole piece of shit to me. But my guard is up and the doubt is there for sure. anyway… onward with things…)

At the time of my proposal, he seemed pretty agreeable. This made me very happy. I got quite giddy and we had a silly conversation. So fast forward to about 7… I called him and he said “I’m working on my truck right now. I want to be able to come visit you guys” This confused me. I said “Is there a problem with the way I said we could do things today?” and he said “I don’t know, let me call you back and we’ll see. I’ll call you back in an hour and a half”

Well… an hour and 35 minutes later, I decided to call him.

Voicemail.

3 hours later… more voicemail.

And I went home alone.

And… it just… didn’t make any kind of sense. I mean… seriously….???!!!!!

I don’t get it… I mean… was my idea all that terrible? And what the hell could possibly have him that opposed to staying the night with me? I didn’t mention how I had called him earlier in the day and we had this big ole talk about him moving in with me, or us together somewhere. And he claims that he doesn’t want to do it until he’s fully “settled and where he wants to be” meaning… with his legal work documents, attending school to get a better job, and all that. If it’s not obvious, I’ll explain… he doesn’t want to move in with me for MONTHS. at least. MONTHS. not like 1 or 2 months… like 5 or 6 or… 7 or 8… or who the hell knows how many months.

Does that not set off warning bells in anyone elses head?Why in the hell did we get married that fast? Why did he press the issue of not waiting to get married when things would be better? Why did I piss off my ENTIRE FAMILY to marry him when it’s not even an issue for us to actually be a family or make things happy in his life in a timely or at least fairly quick timeframe?

 I mean… he says it’s because he wants to be able to be a man in our relationship and contribute equally to me and more. Right now he feels that he would be taking from me since he hasn’t been able to help financially or anything for awhile and he said he “feels really bad” about that and blah blah blah blah blah. He won’t accept ANY help from me, he doesn’t want to work through the issues as a unit, he wants to do it by himself until he is able to be… some super husband that he has pictured in his mind.

Well, at the time, it calmed me down a bit and I understood. My feelings were hurt…. but I was willing to let him work thru his male pride and all that.

But… that stunt last night has thrown me. I mean… seriously… SERIOUSLY…. this doesn’t make sense. It wasn’t about me wanting to get sex… that is seriously not the only reason I want him around. It’s definitely a perk, but we wouldn’t even have had sex last night cuz I’m on my period. I wanted Jacob to see him. And Jonathon. He forgets that… he plays a very important role in their lives and he can’t just put himself there when it’s convenient for him. I’m trying to help fascilitate this relationship and it’s like pulling teeth from a crocodile.

Needless to say I was seriously upset last night when I drove home. This morning I called him and he actually answered.

 “I just woke up” he says.

I”m thinking “and i care because?!!!….”

And he says that he went to lay down after doing the work on his truck and he fell asleep and ..

<FONT color=#330066>yeah right.

whatever dude.

and I told him that he really hurt my feelings and I get a mumbled “I’m sorry”

*sigh*

So I just told him goodbye and hung up.

I’m just seriously in a state of utter and complete shock. I mean UTTER AND COMPLETE.

I’m sure he feels like he did nothing wrong. But… he did. And my wedding rings are OFF and I don’t intend to pretend like I’m a wife when I’m not even recieving any sort of courtesy or respect.

I’m just not playing “wife on demand” anymore. I don’t know when I plan on calling him again. Later on today I guess. But if he sees fit to honor me with a phone call from him he will certainly know how I feel. I”m sure he’ll try to twist it around to me being irrational and moody, but I don’t give a shit. How in the hell can I even begin to be a supportive woman and wife to him if he’s constantly doing shit like this? I can’t even get a courtesy phone call from him  or a good reason why he would totally reject the notion of coming over here to stay the fucking night.

I mean… it’s just boggling my mind. And I’ve even gotten past being sad and mad and confused. Right now I’m just resolute. We’ve been married for 3 weeks now. Sometimes I feel like the most blessed and happy woman ever. But at this point I see those moments as mirages. The reality of my situation is a lot more bleak.

I said earlier that I don’t see my marriage as doomed or a waste of time or something that can’t be fixed. But it’s pretty broken right now.. it’s been damaged from the very beginning of things, i do recognize that I took on a very wacked out situation.  and the continued stress is just destroying everything piece by piece and it’s just taking a whole hell of a lot to repair the damage. But I never thought that I’d be fighting tooth and nail from my own husband to try and make things work. I feel like a damn fool. And I just want… i don’t know… for progress to be made at some point.

It can be done. I just don’t know how right now. I am trying so hard. But it’s like trying to subdue the waves or the wind or time. It can’t be stopped. I just have to find a way to make it work with me instead of against me.

My children are sick. Colds. Very runny noses.

I’m gonna go give them breakfast.