Secret Thoughts My Brain Can’t Hold In Anymore

If you just tried to like me, I promise I’d be good.

I wouldn’t call you till you lost your mind

I wouldn’t email you until your inbox overlowed.

I’d be so nice and sweet and perfect

and you could count on me for anything.

I’d drive the miles between us any day you wanted me to.

and I’d let you have the remote control.

and I’d try not to talk your ear off.

I’d let you kiss me first.

And I’d always laugh at your jokes.

I’d cook for you.

I’d try not to smother you with my affection.

I promise I’d listen if you got annoyed.

I’d never get mad at you if you needed your space.

and if you only wanted to like me for a little while, that’d be ok too.

i just want to know for a little while that you like me.

cuz you’re amazing.

and I like you.

I can’t tell you that I like you.

I long to just tap out a few words,

“Dear you, I know we’ve only met once and we’ve only talked for about a month, but I seriously like you. do you like me? It’s ok if you don’t, I just want to know.”

or

“Dear you, I don’t know how to say this. I don’t think I anticipated liking you this way. I felt for sure it would be physical and that it would stop there. But I find myself going deeper into things and I’m pretty sure it’s not a good idea. What do you think?”

or something I should have written before we met,

“Dear you, I know that we are both anxious to meet. but I do have one condition. We can only meet once. I’m afraid that I’ll fall for you and I’m pretty sure that’s something you don’t want. Please forgive me for being so weird, but I know that I couldn’t handle just one aspect of you. I’d want all of you. Do you agree that once will be fine? If not, then I can’t be responsible for my reactions…”

I remember when I first sat on his bed. And he sat next to me. and there was that tense *crackle* in the air. Like… how do I make this move. Who’s going to make the move? When will he touch me. I wonder if I can touch him.

and his fingers on the back of my neck like searing fire. And even then it was still scary.

god if you just begin to like me I promise I’ll be good.

I promise…

I’m a good catch. Nobody has ever kept me long enough to realize this.

and maybe due to that fact I’m being irrational about all of this. but I’ve met plenty of guys and they don’t ALL have this effect on me. As a matter of fact, most of them don’t, and when I even begin to think about it, most of them flee before the thought can fully develop.

but you didn’t run. You pulled me close to you and you didn’t stop.

I know you can’t be desperate. you’re waaaaay to gorgeous to be desperate. I’m scared of the day you’ll tell me, “I can’t see you anymore”

I don’t want to think about it. It’ll happen. Because SHE will come. SHE will be better than ME. and SHE will knock you off your feet and you’ll finally get that girl you deserve.

A part of me wants this to happen quickly. I can’t bear to think of actually seeing you again and not being able to claim you. I want you to be MINE.

mine mine mine mine mine mine!

i don’t mind to be yours.

yours yours yours yours yours yours!

But since that’s not going to happen, I just hope that whoever SHE is, she comes quickly. Maybe she’s already there. That girl that called while I was there. I heard her on the answering machine. maybe that’s her! I’d be a little glad.

but i’m a jealous type and i’d hate it.

i know that there must be lots of girls contacting you. I don’t want you to meet any of them. NONONONONONONOOONONONONO.

only me.

i want to be special.

i want to make it so that you no longer want to do it anymore.

i want to be the one that makes it all change.

i want to be different.

i want to be the best.

i want to be CHOSEN. and KEPT. and TREASURED.

I want you to like me.

or, I want to know that you don’t, can’t, won’t, shan’t like me.

then i can absorb the rejection and move along and stop feeling like this.

do you know how insane it is to feel butterflies in your stomach ALL DAY LONG?

IT’S MAKING ME INSANE.

i’m so scared of feeling like this. because it ultimately means feeling like the opposite… and that hurts so much.

but i want to know how i’m supposed to feel so i can just dive into it. if it’s elation, that would be my choice.

but if it’s devastation, lets get it over with.

i want to ask you and KNOW SO BADLY.

but i can’t even do that because that will probably be “pushy” and “too much”

i hate not knowing.

either way i’m in trouble.

i just want you to like me a little bit.

can you call me tonight and tell me?

can you feel my vibes.

i’m sending them down the road to you.

i trace that road with my mind, i can remember the entire trip.

and i can see you and i long for that.

i just want to hear your voice and to hear you say SOMETHING anything that’s a clue of how you felt about me. how you feel about me.

this is insane.

i feel so crazy.

i feel just scattered in my emotional limbo.

save me.

somebody save me.

lift me up or let me fall.

i hate not knowing.

i hate it i hate it.

i’m almost tempted to be the one who pushes you away. that way i can be in control, i can have the power of rejection, i can leave knowing it was my choice and not my only option.

i can’t control this though. i don’t want to push you away.

stupid girl in my head says “yeah, push him away, and then he’ll realize that he likes you and he’ll come after you and then you’ll really KNOW and then it’ll be blissful abandon forevaaah”

I hate stupid girl. she got that name for a reason.

stupid.

i hate her.

i am her.

god.

if only these mantras worked.

i’d already have you.

and you’d smile and i’d melt and all would be well.

and it wouldn’t be a burden that I have two kids.

and that i live far away.

and that i’m a lunatic.

it would all be something you’d want.

but i know you don’t want that. i’m just good for a lay. a nice good easy lay. a freaky girl with freaky tendencies.

yep. that’s me.

i made myself this way and now I must live with it.

even if I do have more innocent motives.

I just want someone whos exactly like you.

i can tell your romantic.

a good boyfriend.

and we FIT so well.

and i don’t believe dynamic sex like that just “happens” with any old body, or i’d have had it before.

or i’d have had it with the people that I did love.

or maybe you just have a magic penis.

what am i talking about.

I don’t know.

I just really like you.

I had to get this out.

I had to express it.

I’m hoping that somewhere in the back of your brain

you

like

me

too.