Nightblindness

My boy dog is only blind at night. The specialist did all kinds of tests on him and found he wasn’t able to get past a maze of obstructions to find me in the dark. My poor baby boy. She said it was just part of senior dogs aging, he’s got retinal degeneration. But the kind he has doesn’t progress to daylight blindness, so he should be mainly okay. Whew! Still a lot of money to spend to make sure he was okay.

I had a meeting somewhere fancy with the government people. I need to do some work. I’m so tired. It was a good meeting. But I need to do a lot of thinking quick for this film it’s so raw still.

I’m still harbouring a secret and that’s frustrating. I don’t think it’s gonna be announced this week. Maybe on Monday or Tuesday. I guess that’s fine. I’m gonna be out of town this weekend so it’s not like I can talk about it anyway even if it did come out tomorrow.

Jessie’s OTHER festival is this weekend and she’s gonna be there doing her thing. And last year I went and we had these weird interactions where she kept flirting with me and then I would come back the next night to get flirted with again, and then the last night she was on the stage for some raffle and she made eye contact with me and her eyes were sparkling and dreamy and she had this big grin on her face and held my gaze for a while. AND THEN at the end of the night when she was putting away a projector I went to give her a hug goodbye and she hugged me back right away but made this evasive excuse of being busy when I asked to hang out with her. FUCK she was awful. And I wish I had walked away sooner. It would have kept my dignity intact.

I dunno maybe my dignity is fine though, I was always honest with her. That’s dignified. And it’s not like I ever pounced on her and tried to make her kiss me or anything. Whatever.

I’m glad I am going away this weekend so I won’t see Jessie. I mean I could have stayed home and not gone to her festival anyway, but I always did kind of like that festival and they commissioned me to make a film there once. So I liked going even if she wasn’t involved. Even before I knew her.

There was a life before Jessie when I didn’t know her and I was fine. And there’s literally a whole other life after Jessie without her where I’m fine too. I don’t need to live in this miserable space.

Anyway, she started posting on facebook more and more. And it was making me feel pissed off because she was always saying how she didn’t like facebook and treated it differently than me. I mean she kind of said that in a superiority sense, it felt like. Because I spend too much time on Facebook and overshare because I had an open diary way back when and was used to oversharing. ANYWAY, now she is posting a little more frequently and it just underscores how she doesn’t like or comment or interact on any of my stuff anymore. And to tell the truth it kind of breaks my heart. So this more sensible younger friend today encouraged me to unfollow her finally, and I did. I dunno, maybe she unfollowed me anyway. I have no idea. Like she just doesn’t give a shit about me. ARGH I hate that that bothers me so much. I guess that’s a good sign though, that I have a tender heart that can still get hurt.

Anyway. I hope it helps.

I have to do dishes and clean the bathroom before bed, and it’s already 9:30. It won’t even take long. I should go do that so I can diddle around the rest of the night.