The last entry

I’m writing this into the void, and now this site will be shut down.

I have not gotten most of the grants I applied for this year. Luckily I got two teaching jobs for next semester, so I won’t starve. But I lost a lot of weight this year just from not being able to afford groceries. The artist in residence position I had last year didn’t get me very advanced on my debt because my mom was demanding I give her 1500 a month, and then boosted that to 3000 a month which I just couldn’t do but by then I had paid her back MORE than enough so I stopped paying her. Our relationship is very damaged because every time I was talking to her all she wanted was money.

I’ve been admittedly suicidal this last week based on yet another grant rejection, just adding to the pile of rejections. I felt like I used to have so much promise and I still do but people aren’t investing in my dreams anymore. I have been getting so many ideas for films since I started learning guitar, but with no funding I can’t do them. It’s really tragic and I feel like I should be in the prime of my career right now. But fascism has led people to not want to support me in case it jeopardizes their own thing they have going on.

It’s very lonely, I never really bounced back from the pandemic socially and spend most of my time alone at home feeling sad. I mean mostly I haven’t been sad but it just got to me this year.

I am not going to do it. I mean suicide, I am not going to do it. But it sucks being in distress and very openly so and only getting a few people actually checking in. I told my mom I was suicidal and needed support and she sent me money but didn’t bother phoning me or anything.

I don’t think anyone I really know knows my account here. There was one friend I knew who knew my diary name, but she died this spring. Of a heart attack. We weren’t speaking at the time she died so I didn’t find out until later.

The curator I had a crush on just kind of abandoned me in terms of talking to me, so that was kind of stupid. I don’t really have a crush on anyone right now.

I’m learning how to sing which is new. I started in August at this nearby singing school. People ask me where I go and I don’t tell them because I don’t want to hear them complaining to me about it ha ha. I’m practicing Do I Wanna Know and I’m going to sing it at the recital in January.

I did my first guitar recital last Saturday and it went really well. I was first up, nerve wracking and my guitar sounds different plugged in than when I’m just playing it in a little room so that was awkward for me. I did ok tho, didn’t mess up too terribly. I saw a guy later playing who was so nervous he couldn’t get the C chord barely ever, and I know I did better than that. But yeah everyone got a good applause, they were a very supportive group. I was singing AND playing and I had only learned to do both in the last couple of months. Before that it was just too hard to play and sing at the same time. Taking singing lessons probably helped too because it got me more confident about singing in front of someone.

I went to a Christmas party for the Indigenous staff and students at one of the universities I will be teaching at next semester and we did beading for an activity. I beaded a holly ornament and it was really nice, almost meditative. I brought back beads to finish it at home and now it’s done and hanging on the tree and I am thinking about doing more beading. I don’t know, I thought I would hate it but I was ok. I don’t want to do something huge yet though, maybe just little projects. I could make another watermelon pin maybe, my dog chewed on the edges of mine.

I ended up dating that cop student again but only because he kept messaging me. But the other night he was over when I was feeling sad and rejected and I ended up kicking him out in the middle of having sex because I was sad and needed to go to sleep so I could see my therapist in the morning. And he was just taking too long to fuck and it was late.

I’ve been in love with my therapist for years but I know it’s not going to be a thing. But when I was telling her this week about feeling rejected and suicidal and sad and that no one cares about me or my stories, she asked if something happened between her and I that was making me feel this way. And it wasn’t about her at all. I know it did include her though “no one cares.” And she is someone.  And she does care about me and my stories. We talked more about my feelings and what is going on. She said maybe I am being redirected into teaching because it’s more stable than filmmaking. It’s true.

I applied for a full time teaching job and if I get it then I WILL have to keep making films also. So I don’t know. They said they would get back to us in mid January. I am also teaching one of the classes in that department next semester as a sessional, so I’m hoping it means they will bring me in for an interview.

I’m tired I guess, it’s been a brutal year. I didn’t make nearly enough money to survive and when I was making decent money my mom was taking most of it so I was still begging for money. I’m taking a break from writing grant applications and partially retiring as a filmmaker. I still get ideas and I am still writing them down. I guess at this point it’s just hoping this fascism thing will blow over so people will support me again. But I’m not sure how that will happen. It seems that fascism and capitalism are one and the same, and they both have to go. I’m hoping that the fall of the American empire will change things. Although I don’t think the other side likes trans people either.

It sucks all around. I also have been becoming more psychic which is something I’ve been adjusting to.

When I was really bummed out, this filmmaker who had died by suicide showed up psychically and started talking real fast trying to talk me down. He and I had never met while he was alive so I was surprised he was talking to me. He was really helpful though and sometimes he continues showing up to talk. When he showed up I was just getting off the bus at this one area that turned out to be a sixteen minute walk from the viaduct he jumped off of. So maybe it was being in that location that made him able to contact me easier, and in that spot. He was regretful about what had happened with him, and said there were things he was supposed to do that now he can’t do. And it’s very upsetting for him. And he said it’s the same with me, there’s things I am supposed to do in the future.

I don’t know where my life is going. I love playing guitar even though I am still a baby guitarist. I love singing, it makes me happy. I feel too old to become a professional musician though, I don’t know, I guess I feel like I’m not allowed to go in that direction. But it does make me happy to make music.

After being depressed for a few days this week I got out my guitar and started practicing and it made me happier. Doing the beading also made me happier. Singing makes me happier. I guess I am just happier when I am creating and film is not something I can create right now. So maybe it does make sense to go into other avenues.

Anyway this diary site is going now, so I guess this is my last entry. I wasn’t here very often, but I did care about this site and I’m sad they can’t continue.