Response to Survey Questions…

  Good day to all.  I’m here at work.  Not much going on, but its my last day of work until the 2nd of Jan.  Then I have my birthday on the 12th and school starts on the 17th.  I’m glad that people enjoyed the survey.  I was surpised though the interest in the story behind some of my answers, so here’s a bigger explaination of some of my answers.

  Appearance.  I’ve had issues with my appearance since I was a child.  Alot of it came out of teasing from other children because I was thin.  I’ve heard every skinny joke in common knowledge and a few that aren’t.  At first its just something to be picked on for, but as you get older, its something more.  When you’re a guy and you’re skinny, it messes with your self esteem.  You know that you’re not the typical male that most girls go for.  The arch-type male, broad shoulders, big muscular arms and torso.  When you’re skinny, you can work out and out and out and it doesn’t make you much bigger, it doesn’t change your physical structure.  That’s just the way it is.  As I got older things just kept getting worse.  When I got to 4th grade I needed glasses. I had absoultely awful teeth when I was younger, I had to wear braces for all four years of high school.  Even today, I’ve gained some weight, but I’m never going to have broad shoulders or big arms.  That’s just not in my physical structure.  I have to wear contacts to see the clock at the foot of my bed or be able to watch the tv on the other side of my bedroom.  I’d love to be able to get my eyes fixed, but I just don’t have the money.  There’s just so many issues I’ve had to deal with.  There’s more into this, but I don’t feel like going into it now.

  Family/Home.  Now, anyone who’s read my diary for at least awhile knows that I’ve had some issues with family.  When I had to leave NMSU and come back home, I was not thrilled in the least.  When I got home things got really bad for awhile, I grew to hate my family and sometimes still do to this day.  But as time has gone on we’ve learned to deal with one another better and made progress.  I know that there are times when my parents don’t like or don’t agree with something I do or something I’m planning.  But instead of arguing like we used to, many times they don’t say anything, which is fine with me.  I love my family, but I hate them too.  Its a funny kind of relationship.  Most people say that they hate their family too at some point or another, but don’t really mean it.  But I do, there are times where I truly and deeply hate the people they are.  But that’s life.

  School/Work.  Currently I’m going to school at UTEP.  I have no pride in my school whatsoever.  I don’t really like it here and I fully intend to go to graduate school elsewhere.  I may have no choice either because UTEP does not have a PhD program in creative writing and if I intend to do that when I head to graduate school, I’ll have to head elsewhere to do it.  I work here at UTEP too, I have student job.  Its, by far, the best job I’ve had to date.  Its definately alot better than retail.  Just shopping this year has reminded me what I used to have to deal with in retail.

  Embarrassment.  There was nothing on that list that happened to me, but I’ve had to deal with a fair amount.  Things just always seem to happen to me.  I was teased when I was younger, but I guess things don’t change.  I told you all about the incident that happened with the voice teacher and the class.  I guess that’s one reason I’d like to become famous in movies.  Its a way of sticking it to all those people and those situations I had to deal with.

  Health.  I was born with a couple of deficiencies, but doctors wouldn’t be able to accurately dignose them until later.  I was born with a strong allergy to iodine, which I didn’t find out until right before high school.  My family and I were in a head-on collision crash (other person’s fault).  I had been sitting in the middle seat on the back, wearing one of those seatbelts that only goes around your waist.  So when the crash happened the force of the crash gave me some internal brusing.  But they wanted to make sure I wasn’t bleeding so they gave me a CAT scan.  Right before the CAT scan they pumped iodine into my bloodstream through an IV line.  It wasn’t long before I was promptly sick and trembling.  Needless to say, I’m allergic to iodine.  I was also born with stomach problems what would eventually come together as IBS.  Its not a pleasant prospect to have to live with that, knowing there’s no miracle cure for it, that I’ll have to live with the rest of my life, and that’s its never going to get better, if anything it could get worse.  I’ve only gotten stitches once in my life.  When I was in grade school some kid tripped me (never found out who) and I fell.  But when I fell, my forehead hit the latch of my metal lunchbox and cracked open.  So I had to have stitches on my head.  My parents thought about having a plastic surgeon do it, but the doctor assured them that the bump would go down over a year or two.  Its been over ten years since and I still have a slight bump there.  I haven’t had my wisdom teeth pulled yet, but I need to.  I just haven’t had the money to have it done.  As it is, it can’t be done by a dentist.  They’re impacted, so it has to be done by an oral surgeon.  I’ve already given them enough work though.  My body worked overtime on my teeth.  I was actually growing another set of permanant teeth in eight different places.  So, when I was in high school I had to go to an oral surgeon and have the eight extra teeth (which you could see the outline of in my gums) taken out.  When I do have my wisdom teeth taken out, it will make 12 teeth in all that I’ve had extracted. 

  Traveling.  I went to Canada once.  My mother and I went to go visit my sister in Michigan.  While we were there, we went across the border into Canada and had lunch there.  It was very clean there and there’s a large Asian population in Canada.  I liked it there, except it was during the spring that we went.  I don’t think I’d like it there during the winter since I hate the cold.  Since I live on the border, I’ve been to Mexico as well.  On contrast, its dirty and noisy there.  I’ve heard there are some wonderful and beautiful places in Mexico, but Juarez isn’t one of them.  I’ve always wanted to go to Japan.  I still hope to go there some day.  But I’d like to go there when I actually have money to spend and have a nice time there.  Who knows when that will be.

  Relationships.  After talking with a few different ODers I realized there was a bit of confusion on my relationship status.  I do have a girlfriend, I

‘ve talked about her before on here, the one named Marie.  We’ve been going out for almost three years now.  We met in church, in the choir.  Which is quite funny for me, because we have pretty regular sex.  And even done a few naughty things in the office areas of the church, hehe.  She plays the flute, she’s in the marching band, and she goes to band camp every summer, which I do tease her about all three.  Hehe.

  Sexuality.  I’m a pretty open person when it comes to sex.  I’ve noticed in talking with many different people that I view sex in a way that’s quite different than most people do.  I won’t go into it here, because this entry is already turning out longer than I expected.  I’m a very open person and am willing to try different things.  I have my limits, but they’re all with good reason.  Most people who get to know me know how I feel about sex and if they don’t they know they can ask and I won’t get embarrassed to answer.

  Honesty/Crime.  I’ve never cheated on a test and I’ve never stole or shoplifted anything.  I just don’t think its right.  I’d rather fail a test than cheat on it.  I just feel that it really doesn’t help me any.  I didn’t learn anything, I didn’t get anything to help me out of cheating.  If I study the material then I learned something I didn’t know before.  That’s what’s important to me.  As for shoplifting, I just don’t find it right.  The common arguement I’ve heard is that, no matter if its Wal-Mart or Sears, "they’re a big company, they can afford it."  That may be true, but its not the big people up top that make up the difference.  Its usually the working people who suffer to make up the difference.  They’re the ones that get their checks cut, their hours shortened, or get fired.  And that’s just not right.  Working people have it hard enough.  Why add to making it harder for them?

  Drugs/Alcohol.  I’ve never done any illegal drugs.  It just doesn’t interest me.  I also just don’t like the idea of clouding my mind.  I was a social smoker in late high school and early college, but gave it up completely.  Sometimes I do feel like a smoke, but I just find something else to do.  I don’t drink.  Its not so much a morals type of decision as a physical decision.  Due to my stomach problems its actually physically impossible for me to drink much alcohol, or to drink to excess.  My body will reject it long before I’d even get close to being drunk. And since the idea of being sick to my stomach for an evening and possibly spending some time praying to the porcelin god doesn’t interest me, I don’t drink.

  Death and Suicide.  This is something that a fair amout of people asked about this.  I haven’t been around much death to tell the truth.  My grandparents on my mother’s side died when I was really young, so I only have vague memories of them.  I never knew my grandfather on my father’s side, because he died when my father was 12.  My grandmother on my father’s side died when I was in high school, but we didn’t have much contact with her.  I know there was some family problems going on with my father, my uncle (his twin), and my aunt on one side and my other two aunts on the other side.  I think one of the aunts conned my grandmother when she was sick and possibly delirous to cut some of her sibilings out of the will and leave most everything to her instead.  Anyway, the only other person that was kind of close to me that died was one of my favorite middle school teachers the year after I was in his class.  As for suicide, well that’s an issue that alot of people asked about.  In in my second year of high school I was having a really bad time with my family, my parents especially.  I had just gotten back from an orchestra trip and things were very tense around the house and my mother and I got into a fight over the phone when I came home for lunch one school day (I used to live near enough to the school to walk home for lunch).  Depression was setting in, I was feeling very alone.  I took one of my knives, laid down on the floor, and placed it at just the right position for a direct stab into the heart without hitting the ribs.  I knew enough from my martial arts training to know I’d only feel an instant of intense pain.  The blade was already digging into my flesh, I was bleeding lightly.  I was about to do it, but I thought that at least one person would truly miss me, a girl I had dated in high school once.  It was foolish puppy love at the time, but it was enough to save me from killing myself.  I now know easier and less painful ways of taking my life, but I’ve grown enough to know I’d never try it again.  Its just not worth it to just give up. 

  Random.  This was a little different.  I do curse regularly, but I only do it when I’m alone or with friends.  Never around family or in a professional setting.  I don’t care how comfortable I feel with these people, its just not something I do.  It doesn’t subtract from my vocabulary of curses though.  I can cuss in three different languages and I will.  Well, not so much in Spanish, but I do curse regularly in English and Japanese.  Anyway… I have to be neat and organized.  I don’t like having to hunt around for stuff, it has to have a place and be organized in a certain way.  Melissa knows what I’m talking about.  As for being in love with love.  As I said at the beginning, I was not the type that alot of girls looked at.  I’m still not in my opinion and view.  So, it feels wonderful when I do get attention from a female.  Having that lack of attention kind of gives a wanting for an excess of attention from many different females.  So, I think that translates into being in love with love.  And finally, yes I do laugh at my own jokes.  As I put it to my sister once, I don’t have have to wait for someone else to entertain me.  I can do it well enough on my own.

  And with that, I’ll close this long entry.  If you’ve read this far thank you and I hope you’re not bored.  Good day to all.

-Damien