Waiting for the sun…

I’m waiting for the sun on the past few weeks.  I’m having flashbacks and mind running again.  I feel like I’m going crazy some days. My mind simply will not stop until I’m at the point of exahustion.  Sleeping is difficult and when I wake up I never feel rested.  I keep having random flashbacks.  They’re not as bad as the ones I used to get in junior high and high school.  I haven’t passed out or anything, but they’re still painful.  That’s probably a little confusing.  When I was a kid I got a bad concussion.  It wiped out a good portion of my memory.  Even today I still have trouble holding onto memories.  It’s frustrating to say the least.  When I got to junior high I started to have “flashbacks”.  These are a collection of images that will race through my mind for a few seconds or several minutes.  It causes severe pain in my head, a couple of times where I’ve passed out from them.  These are not pleasant experiences and I do not like it when they come up again.  And before anyone asks, I’ve been to doctors and the like.  No one can find anything wrong with me, there’s nothing I can take for them, there’s nothing I can do for them.  They are too random and varied to use any preeventative aid on.  I am so tired.  I should be working on things for classes, but I can’t seem to manage an effort or motivation.  I know it’s really bad not to be doing my assignments, but I can’t seem to raise an effort.  I seem to be having that trouble with alot lately.  I have a concert today for chorus.  I’ll put it this way.  I was talking to Marie on the phone on friday night.  (I think it was friday) Anyway, I mentioned I had a concert coming up and I was saying “it’s on the 6th I think. When’s the 6th anyway?”  I was totally unaware that my concert was about 4 days away.  I didn’t get around to telling my famliy until sunday I think.  My days have been blurred, so I’m having trouble remembering when I did anything.  I don’t know what to make of any of it.  I keep wanting something to happen, but I’m not even sure what I want to happen.  I feel so unmotivated.  I keep putting things off.  I keep having to put music on just so I can keep my mind quiet enough for me to get work done.  It only works mildly well.  My body hasn’t been doing all that great either.  I inherited my mother’s stomach problems and this week, for no reason I can see, it has just started acting up lately.  I feel so out of place and I hate feeling like that.  I can’t seem to meditate.  My forms in martial arts feel wild, off center, uncontrolled.  I haven’t practiced for almost a week because I couldn’t stand how I felt during it.  I just want to go home and go back to bed.  I want to sleep and sleep and sleep.  I can’t wait for the end of the week.  I can’t even explain fully about what’s going on.  Why I’m feeling like I do.  I’d best get to working on things for class.

-Damien