Words forever left unsaid

He doesn’t see it.

 

The way I hang on his words like scripture.

 

He doesn’t know the feeling he gives me.

 

Just his very being, unravels me when he doesn’t even try.

 

He talks to me as a steady figure, like I’m safe and familiar, but not as the woman he aches for in the middle of the night.

 

I’m nothing in his world…but God, he is in mine.

 

I would not know how to touch him without trembling.

 

I hold him in my thoughts he’ll never hear.

 

Because I’m afraid.

 

I’m afraid if I step too close, he’ll disappear.

 

The intimacy I crave would scare him more than it would soothe him.

 

He deserves someone who can offer everything without hesitation.

 

And I — I hesitate because I care about him that much.

 

He deserves to be adored in a way that doesn’t ask him to shrink or explain. And I’ve been longing for him in silence long enough to know I’m never meant to have him — just to guard the part of him the world overlooks.

 

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe because it hurts to say it? Maybe because part of me hopes someday, in some version of this life, he’ll find these words and realize they were meant for him.

 

If I could love him the way I ache to…

 

But even beyond that…

 

I’d love his mind when it spirals, his fears when they show their teeth. I’d hold space for his rage, his softness, his confusion. I’d remind him that he’s always worthy and enough for me.

 

But I continue to love him quietly.

 

Just close enough to care.

 

Just far enough to protect his peace.

 

That’s all I’m meant to be. The one who loves him without being asked. The one who would make love to him like he was the answer to a longing I’ve carried my whole life.

 

But I’ll never get that chance.