Confused

I have so much to say and I don’t know how to say anything… i try to tell people how I feel and it comes out all wrong and I wind up pushing people away and pissing them off.. when I think back on what I said I know some of where I went wrong in what I said, but it’s not what I was trying to say. At all… I think I’m going to stop talking.. 

My fiance works as a correctional officer and when he comes home he picks up his phone and spends a couple hours watching YouTube or TikTok, I asked him what was more important, me or the phone? He said that he needs to relax when he comes home.. so I asked him why hugging or kissing me is not relaxing?? and I said some mean things… as the poor man is trying to wrap his arms around me to go to sleep, an hour after he got home… I flipped out on him for not going straight to me but going straight to his phone, but what I didn’t mention til after I had already hurt him was that I noticed that he did periodically reach over and lay his hand on my side or back while he was watching his videos… 

Why can’t I tell how I feel and not hurt others? Why do I not mention the things that I do notice that are good, til after I have already hurt or pissed off the one I’m spilling my feelings to? Is there something wrong with me? I’ve spent all day crying.. 

Then a couple hours before he went to work he got a phone call from his cousin, and when he was hanging up he said love you too, but the whole time he was talking to her I didn’t know who he was talking to, all I knew was he was explaining why he hadn’t called someone and that he can’t go anywhere cause the truck is in the shop.. I asked who he was talking to and got no answer.. which is normal, he has a tendency to not answer me or ignore what I say while he is on the phone, even when I’m trying to tell him something pertaining to what he is talking about, then when he gets off the phone and I tell him what I was trying to say.. “well you didn’t tell me that” ….. I was trying and I was being ignored or talking to a hand.. 

he doesn’t treat me bad, in fact he does usually come home and hug me unless I’m asleep or look like I’m asleep, and usually I can guess who he’s on the phone with, but every name I gave him this time was a no, but he never gave me the name til he was off the phone, he usually tells me who he was talking to and what he was talking about as soon as he gets off the phone, but today I guess I was in a mood and didn’t give him enough patience..

Sorry for venting but I guess this is what my therapist meant when she said to start Journaling.. I hope..